Some thoughts

I haven't posted to my blog in a few days because I've wanted to discuss my eating disorder and have been nervous about doing that. You know that I consider obese people my comrades in the fight to a healthy body, but I'm not sure everyone agrees, nor has understanding, nor sympathy for, anorexia nervosa. People--even laypeople--have the belief that it's only a matter of being thin, and that if we'd eat more, we'd be fine. That's the parallel to the obese. If only they'd just eat less, they could be okay.

Well it isn't that easy. Telling me to eat more is like telling you to eat less. If that were all there were to it, we'd all be of average weight.

People also have this belief that obesity is the opposite of anorexia. No it isn't. The opposite of obesity, and the opposite of anorexia, is normal.

Now, there is a good point in telling us to eat more or less. Yes, that will cure the problem. Moreover, that's a simple fact, and many people can do it. It's like quitting smoking--just don't put a cigarette in your mouth. I know that worked for me. I got it into my head that smoking was off the table, no matter what.

I think that attitude is needed in the fight against eating disorders. There are two big differences, however. Nicotine is a powerfully addictive drug, and food is not a drug. And you never have to smoke again, but you do have to eat every single day for the rest of your life. If I had to smoke, I'd be a chain smoker again. I'm a puff away from a pack a day.

Anyway, to get back on topic. I don't want to turn anyone off when I write about anorexia, bulimia, compulsive eating disorder, binge eating disorder, or eating disorder not otherwise specified. As I've said time and time again: we're in this boat together. They're all EDs. We can die of them.

Another difference between us, and I think the most important one, is that you're working hard to lose weight and get to a healthy body. I don't want recovery. My disorder is still in a place where I don't want to get well. The thought of gaining weight terrifies me, which is one of the primary symptoms of AN. It's not just a matter of not wanting to gain. It's a matter of terror. When I gain a pound, or go over 1000 - 1100 calories a day (my maintenance number), I get scared, and practically hate myself. I lived on less than 800 calories--often 500--a day for months. Currently, I struggle mightily to remain at 900. I'm just so very hungry all the time, that it gets exhausting fighting the desire to eat. My doctor says that my body is desperate for food and it's simply biological. I say it's that my will and ability to control myself is weakening.

As you probably know, control is the issue in an anorexic's life. Subconsciously, or consciously, we feel that our lives are out of our control, that we have no say in the way our lives are lived. The only thing we can control is our bodies, and our desire to eat. That's how we manage the desperation of feeling that we're not allowed to make decisions for ourselves.

I went on a weight reduction diet since I was overweight, and it progressed from there. I'd had an anorexic episode in the past, so I should have dieted under a doctor's care. But I didn't want to do that. I thought I'd stop at 120. Instead, I got down to 92, which gave me a BMI of 15.8. My doctor has had me coming in monthly for a weigh-in to check on me. I hate it. Now I'm up to 98, and he still wants me to gain and get up to at least 108. That's just not going to happen if I have any say in the matter. In fact, I want very much to get back to 92 again, and I can do it if I'm committed to it.

You can see that it's not just a matter of not wanting to be overweight again. Apparently, I look bad, weak, and sick. My hair has gotten thin; my nails break off; my skin is dried out and flakes off; my potassium levels are abnormal (an important electrolyte for heart function), I'm anemic, etc. But I don't care. Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels is the mantra of an anorexic. I feel sick sometimes, though, and it doesn't feel good.

So that's my story. I hope this doesn't turn anyone away. I hope so much that no one out there thinks they'd like it if they were this thin. One of my friends felt that way. She wanted to "catch" anorexia, lose 30 lbs., then "give up" the disease once she was normal weight. It doesn't work that way. It's a mental illness and you can't decide to have it. If you're a normal person, you don't want it.

Some day, I might want recovery. I might get healthy enough that I'll want to do that.

Let me know what you think. Do you understand me? Or have I turned you off forever?