Thank you, blogging friends.

I feel good that I took the chance and posted yesterday about my ED. It made me feel cared about that you weren't turned off by my post. Thank you.

Part of what I felt I couldn't control in my life was work. It was a mess. They cut me back to half-time, which I could never in a million years live on. I could barely live on my full-time pay. They couldn't fire a bad employee for legal reasons so they put him in my department. In order to make room for him and not raise their employee expenses, they cut my hours. There was nothing I could do about it. And my supervisor was/is an ass. But guess what? Today they offered me full-time work again, starting next year. You probably understand what a huge difference this will make in my life financially. My savings have been decimated, so I'll be able to build them back up. I can't count on it until the papers are signed, and can't depend on its continuing every year, but for at least one year, I'll be safe.

I wonder if this will be enough to make me want recovery? Well, I doubt it very, very, much, even though it was one of the triggers. It's more complicated than that. But it will remove one of the most stressful parts of my life.

Notice that I'm recommending another blog on the right side: Never the Skinny Girl. I've been reading it for a while and think you'd like it. She's in the struggle with us.

I didn't eat all day until supper, when I had 1 1/2 cups of penne pasta with a light mushroom red sauce. I had half a can of Coke instead of coffee this morning (non-diet) and eight ounces of non-diet ginger ale at night to settle my migraine stomach. Artificial sweeteners are a migraine trigger for me (and many other people) so I don't drink diet soda. I don't know what my calories were today, but I suspect they were under my self-imposed limit of 900. Good.

I see one doctor tomorrow for my depression meds. She keeps track of my weight, too. I see my therapist Friday, the one whose mother was bulimic so he seems to hate people with EDs. In fact, he seems to hate anyone who doesn't participate in heavy-duty workouts, who are heavy, who are too thin, that is, anyone who isn't physically fit and medium weight. Sorry, dude, but you're leaving out a whole hell of a lot of people. I think he's bad for me, and others have told me that, too. But it's like I don't want to hurt his feelings by quitting him. I've been seeing him for years now, and don't think I have to go anymore. He, on the other hand, ever since I was diagnosed with anorexia, told me I'm the "sickest" he's ever seen me. I don't think you say things like that to patients.

And as you guys know, those of us with EDs are extremely sensitive about our bodies and what they look like. One session, he told me how bad I look, how my chin is pointy and unattractive, and more things like that!! I couldn't believe it. That's not the way to talk to someone you think is "sick." You go gently with them; take care of them, and treat them with respect.

Yeah, maybe it's time to cut this off and see someone else.

Okay. Enough about for me a while. I'll start posting from the research papers again. Take care and have a good, peaceful day tomorrow.

Some thoughts

I haven't posted to my blog in a few days because I've wanted to discuss my eating disorder and have been nervous about doing that. You know that I consider obese people my comrades in the fight to a healthy body, but I'm not sure everyone agrees, nor has understanding, nor sympathy for, anorexia nervosa. People--even laypeople--have the belief that it's only a matter of being thin, and that if we'd eat more, we'd be fine. That's the parallel to the obese. If only they'd just eat less, they could be okay.

Well it isn't that easy. Telling me to eat more is like telling you to eat less. If that were all there were to it, we'd all be of average weight.

People also have this belief that obesity is the opposite of anorexia. No it isn't. The opposite of obesity, and the opposite of anorexia, is normal.

Now, there is a good point in telling us to eat more or less. Yes, that will cure the problem. Moreover, that's a simple fact, and many people can do it. It's like quitting smoking--just don't put a cigarette in your mouth. I know that worked for me. I got it into my head that smoking was off the table, no matter what.

I think that attitude is needed in the fight against eating disorders. There are two big differences, however. Nicotine is a powerfully addictive drug, and food is not a drug. And you never have to smoke again, but you do have to eat every single day for the rest of your life. If I had to smoke, I'd be a chain smoker again. I'm a puff away from a pack a day.

Anyway, to get back on topic. I don't want to turn anyone off when I write about anorexia, bulimia, compulsive eating disorder, binge eating disorder, or eating disorder not otherwise specified. As I've said time and time again: we're in this boat together. They're all EDs. We can die of them.

Another difference between us, and I think the most important one, is that you're working hard to lose weight and get to a healthy body. I don't want recovery. My disorder is still in a place where I don't want to get well. The thought of gaining weight terrifies me, which is one of the primary symptoms of AN. It's not just a matter of not wanting to gain. It's a matter of terror. When I gain a pound, or go over 1000 - 1100 calories a day (my maintenance number), I get scared, and practically hate myself. I lived on less than 800 calories--often 500--a day for months. Currently, I struggle mightily to remain at 900. I'm just so very hungry all the time, that it gets exhausting fighting the desire to eat. My doctor says that my body is desperate for food and it's simply biological. I say it's that my will and ability to control myself is weakening.

As you probably know, control is the issue in an anorexic's life. Subconsciously, or consciously, we feel that our lives are out of our control, that we have no say in the way our lives are lived. The only thing we can control is our bodies, and our desire to eat. That's how we manage the desperation of feeling that we're not allowed to make decisions for ourselves.

I went on a weight reduction diet since I was overweight, and it progressed from there. I'd had an anorexic episode in the past, so I should have dieted under a doctor's care. But I didn't want to do that. I thought I'd stop at 120. Instead, I got down to 92, which gave me a BMI of 15.8. My doctor has had me coming in monthly for a weigh-in to check on me. I hate it. Now I'm up to 98, and he still wants me to gain and get up to at least 108. That's just not going to happen if I have any say in the matter. In fact, I want very much to get back to 92 again, and I can do it if I'm committed to it.

You can see that it's not just a matter of not wanting to be overweight again. Apparently, I look bad, weak, and sick. My hair has gotten thin; my nails break off; my skin is dried out and flakes off; my potassium levels are abnormal (an important electrolyte for heart function), I'm anemic, etc. But I don't care. Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels is the mantra of an anorexic. I feel sick sometimes, though, and it doesn't feel good.

So that's my story. I hope this doesn't turn anyone away. I hope so much that no one out there thinks they'd like it if they were this thin. One of my friends felt that way. She wanted to "catch" anorexia, lose 30 lbs., then "give up" the disease once she was normal weight. It doesn't work that way. It's a mental illness and you can't decide to have it. If you're a normal person, you don't want it.

Some day, I might want recovery. I might get healthy enough that I'll want to do that.

Let me know what you think. Do you understand me? Or have I turned you off forever?

Questions

Sunshine's Heart (see link to the right) posted these questions on her blog this morning. It's a good, interesting blog. She's smart and wise. I thought I'd join the group.


1. Are you a heavy or a light sleeper?

I go to sleep immediately because I stay up too late and crash. The sleep itself only lasts about four hours, then I toss and turn. I guess it's just from getting older, but it's driving me crazy.

2. If you could be a professor for a day, what subject would you lecture on?

I think Ethics, as part of the philosophy department. I took it in college and liked it a lot--made me think about how to be in the world. I'd like to do that for others, particularly young people who aren't set in their ways yet.

3. What skill have you always wanted that you do not have?

How do I narrow this down? I'd like to write better, play the guitar, draw beautifully, play the piano, sew like a pro, be a master baker . . . the list could go on forever.

4. Have you ever been in a real catfight?

Yes, in high school, during a basketball game. I went up for a jump shot, and a scrawny girl on my own team yelled that I wouldn't make it because I was "a fatso." I missed the shot, then whirled around and slapped her HARD across the face. She had welts for several days. I didn't even get into trouble with our coach or principal, because they couldn't stand her either. I still look upon it with fondness today. Oh, and she got really fat in middle age. Karma.

5. Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.

Behind in everything at work; thus I've been a nervous wreck trying to catch up. Real life has been a bitch. Blogland? I've been reading great stuff, and learn a lot from it. My writing seems to be a bit boring, and hardly anyone reads it. Even fewer ever comment on it. Still, I muddle along, talking to the wind.

Help from others with obesity and eating disorders

I'm sure you've all heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's helped tens of thousands of people to get to sobriety in just the past decade; that is, it works, if you do. There is also a spin-off called Overeaters Anonymous (http://www.oa.org/). Despite the name, and that most of the members have trouble with obesity, it's also there for bulimic people and anorexics, etc.--all eating disordered people.

One of the things that turns people with problems off about these programs is the notion of turning their troubles over to a Higher Power. But the actual wording in OA says that the HP is whatever you have defined or experienced it to be. That could be the goddess, one's higher self, science, the Christian god or Jesus, or anything/anyone you believe is bigger than you are. Remember the famous motto of the Anonymous programs: "Take what you need and leave the rest." That applies to your HP, as well.

That's fine, you say, for people who live in a big city, where there are several groups and meetings around town that would fit in with your work hours, or when you'll be able to have the car and someone to watch your children, for instance. What about the rest of us? That can be worked with, too. There are group meetings on the phone with others, as well as internet groups which "meet" around the clock every day.

At any meeting, you don't have to talk. You might want to watch the first few times just to see how meetings are conducted and run. Everyone will be using only their first names or first names with last name initial, nickname, or any other name you want to be used. Your privacy is repected, and the meetings are confidential. At the OA website, you'll find all the information you need to understand the organization, its purpose, what meetings include, and so forth.

Don't be turned off by money, either. Everything is entirely free, depending on donations completely. If your money troubles make even a small donation impossible, you're still welcome with open arms. Giving is anonymous, too.

OA can help you to get to the root of your problems and how to understand what's going on in order for you to get to normal eating. It would be especially good for those who believe their weight and food problems have an environmental, emotional, or early childhood trigger, as well as those with post-traumatic stress disorder which arose at any time in your life and the weight gain followed. No, they're not formally trained psych people, but they've been or are currently where you are.

There's no harm in checking out the website or considering it. Sometimes, help in a group of fellow sufferers works far better than suffering alone. We're not alone in this world. There are people in precisely the same place we are, whether it's regaining weight after a large loss; inability to maintain at a lower weight; getting started on losing weight; giving up, and so much more.

Just give it a shot and look at the website for more information.

Hunger is the dieter's guest at the feast.

Read "Fat Like Me" today (see link at right), and learn about "Food Fuckery." I promise you'll recognize yourself in her blog entry. She did get me thinking about hunger, though, something I do obsess about a lot. What is hunger, anyway?

There's the normal, natural, biological feeling of hunger that we get when we need more fuel to survive, and more building blocks of good nutrition to survive well. Ideally, it's in perfect balance with what we need, and we'll eat from enough sources that we'll take in all of the macronutrients, as well as the trace elements, that we need to be healthy. We'll also be thirsty, a form of hunger, in balance with our expiration and use of fluids, and not mistake thirst for hunger, or hunger for needing sleep, nor any other crossed-wire impulses. Then, "we'll eat when we're hungry, drink when we're dry, if the sky don't fall in, we'll live 'til we die." At least, that's the way it's supposed to work.

The little brain bell rings, we yawn, then interpret that as needing a sandwich. We're thirsty, so we have a Coke or beer instead of a glass of water. At least the latter is thirst, although it's being quenched by 240 calories instead of zero. Everyone repeat after me--you need a minimum of 8 8-oz. glasses of water a day. The bigger you are, the more you need. Do most of us drink that much?

In addition to biological hunger, there's mind hunger. It's 5 p.m., dinner time, and I should be hungry now. I guess I'll eat. Never mind that there's no biological hunger. Surely at some point this evening it'll come, so I'll eat now and avoid the hunger later. Let's have a big, regular supper, too--Standard American Diet--meat, starch, vegetables. Bread and butter, drink. Salad on the side; soup if we're very formal. Whew! It's Thanksgiving with all of that food. So instead of waiting until you're hungry, which might not be until tomorrow morning, you've eaten 2,000+ calories worth of dinner you didn't even want. What's wrong with this picture? And who says a dinner has to be all of those courses? Holy cow, we're not field hands. The biggest energy output we had all day was walking across the parking lot to get to the office and back again to our cars.

Mind hunger is also that which is triggered by ads  on TV, photo shoots in magazines, and other food porn. It's 8 p.m. Supper was three or four hours ago. Bedtime is three or four hours away. The ad comes on: Carl's Jr. Hoo-boy, that burger with cheese and bacon and BBQ sauce looks scrumptious. You can practically smell it through the TV. You can just jump in the car--coat over your pj's--go through the drive through, get that, a super-large Pepsi and fries, and be back home in half an hour. That's over 1,000 calories. Easy as pie. Pity they don't have pie, by the way. With ice cream.

Mouth hunger. Sometimes, I just want to chew on something crunchy. Just hear the crunch and feel it between my teeth. Do you have any chips? Hell, Safeway is open 24 hours. I can get a big bag--how about two, one regular and one jalapeno kettle chips and some Coke. Might as well get a deli panini, too. That's a full meal. Crunchy sandwich, crunchy chips, sweet drink--ah, now you're living!

If you don't do crunchy, why not creamy chocolate or ice cream melting on your tongue? The grocery store has ice cream, whipped cream, hot fudge sauce, and some maraschino cherries for the top. Caramel or butterscotch topping, too, with marshmallow creme. Oh, my.

Didn't want any of this physically, certainly didn't need any of it, but got it, ate it, and gained a pound, maybe two, over the week unless it's made up for by restricting several days. That is, unless there's more mouth or mind hunger, or misinterpreted hunger, another day or two of the week. There just comes a point when it can't be compensated for, and we get fat.

We have to always be on the lookout for these devilish little hungers. They'll break a diet, or get us off maintenance, in ten minutes flat. Try to listen carefully to your body and mind when you think you're hungry. Determine what sort of hunger it is. Craving a pizza is probably not hungry. I've craved pizzas right after supper. Cravings are probably never real hunger at all. They're mouth or mind hunger. Real hunger can be assuaged by turkey breast with mustard on rye. You don't need chocolate, a Western bacon cheeseburger, or banana split to do it.

Just some random thoughts today on the subject. What do you think? Am I on target here, or do you think I'm totally off?

Weight and the environment

Kelly Brownell, editor of Eating Disorders and Obesity, wrote a paper about how much weight relates to our increasingly toxic food environment. She showed the amounts of money that are spent on marketing what she calls toxic foods, which are energy-dense (super high calorie) ones. She says that for any one individual who's obese, there will be factors such as genetic susceptibility. However, when a nation is obese, and becoming increasingly so, the answer leads us to environment--that no matter how strong genetic susceptibility is, there is no obesity without a "bad environment."

This is an intriguing theory, and one which I think has real merit. She likens this to cigarette smoking. Not every smoker gets lung cancer, and it's believed that those who do have a genetic prediliction for it. However, without the  environment of smoking, no individual will get it. That makes sense to me.

She writes, "It is difficult to imagine an environment that places people at greater risk for obesity than that seen in the United States . . . . Food in this environment is available, inexpensive, and promoted in unprecedented ways." She goes on to say that McDonald's marketing budget is $1.1 billion, and Coca-Cola's $866 million, a year, and these are only two companies. The budget of the National Cancer Institute to promote healthy eating is only $1 million. She also gets into the portion size problem, which we all know has greatly increased over the last 20 years, just as obesity rates have climbed.

Addressing physical activity levels, she suggests that we live in a bad environment there, as well. I know that we don't have as much activity as we did decades ago. With elevators, cars, computers, and so forth, we take the easy way out and don't exercise. But I think her argument here isn't as strong. Jogging, weight and strength training, walking, and so on, have been "trendy" since the late '70's/early '80's. I'm wondering if one isn't already obese, which makes exercise more difficult and unappealing, is the reason (or one of the reasons) why activity is down.

Still, the fact is that we're in sedentary jobs, even housework and gardening are easier with modern methods, cable TV (and once again, computers), and other things increase obesity, or at least, overweight. Even fast food lacks any activity involvement. There's no chopping, standing, walking to get things, etc., and you don't even have to get out of your car to grab the food--they have drive-throughs. How much worse can it get?

If you're of a certain age, you'll remember that from kindergarten on, we were required to take physical education in school. Now, only one of the 50 states mandates phys. ed. for students. That's a surprising statistic.

It seems to me that someone with a genetic tendency to obesity--which I believe is nearly all of us--plus a disturbed eating pattern, is doomed to it unless they learn that the battle will be life-long, and messages from corporations are for profit only, not to give you tasty foods for pleasure. We might know that it in our heads, but getting it through to our guts is another story.

Later, 'gators.

Clothing for a new body.

Because many people have been talking about it, and I've been thinking about it, I guess tonight I'll blog about choosing clothes for a new body--a new you. I have a very definite style, or should I say styles. Sometimes it's Bohemian, a gypsy-ish look, with lots of ethnic fabrics, long skirts, vests, jackets, all in a riot of colors. Other times it's Zen-like in its straight lines, black/silver/ivory/slate blue, etc., with Asian touches everywhere. Quite sleek and elegant. Yes, I like my styles, and am noted for them. You either like them or hate them. Many like them. Others have suggested I dress more normally, especially for work. So I thought I'd buy some preppy, yuppy-ish clothes for my new body.

I hadn't been clothes shopping in years, and had no clue what size I wore in fitted, tailored, clothes. I saw the perfect skirt at Land's End (pure preppy, like L.L. Bean) and ordered two in a 12--tan and navy (navy was my signature color when I was a business suit girl). When they arrived, and I tried to try them on, they slipped to the floor like a hula hoop. I returned them in exchange for 10's. My husband said, "Skip the 10's and 8's; go straight for the 6's and 4's." He's a pretty good judge of size. I wouldn't listen. To make a long story short, the 2's fit the best, but I have a big waist and they felt a little tight. I kept the 4's.

That long story was to show how one can have a measuring tape and mirrors, and still have no clue at all what size to wear, what one's body looks like, or what style to dress in. I also had to get used to clothes that fit. I kept up with the preppy look, but have recently returned to the ethnic thing. When I'm this thin, I'm always freezing, so the patterned, thigh-length Indian jackets come in handy.

Why are we so body dysmorphic? We see abnormality where none exists. We see fat when thin is reality. We feel fat when we've nothing to feel fat about. I know that we anorexics are famous for that. I'm not sure if formerly or even currently obese people are as poor judges as we are when it comes to their bodies. I suspect so. Certainly I know my obese friends believe they're far less attractive and sexy than they are. At my height, I'd have to weigh 175 to enter obesity based on the BMI. I feel like I weigh that now--honest. I have no idea at all that I weigh less than that. I will even check the scale by weighing my husband or a big sack of rice to make sure it isn't broken, that's how inaccurate I feel it must be. Do obese people do that? I've never asked. If you can leave a comment and tell me the answer plus anything else about the subject, I'd love that. I need knowledge, and other big people might need to know they're not alone.

One thing I do know is when I'm sure that the scale is working, the number on it defines my day. If I'm two pounds over the day before, I have a horrible day. If I'm a pound under, I fly in freedom. Food and the numbers are my life, and all I think about. Food, especially so. Whether it's cooking it, choosing it, buying it, eating it, not eating it, what it looks like--name it--it's ever-present in my head. This certainly isn't healthy. But from what I read, it defines the obese's day, too. Food, food, food. Eating, not eating, hungry, not hungry. As I've said before, we think about what we'll eat for supper before we've eaten breakfast. That, my friends, is an eating disorder.

Bingeing. A friend here had a binge. It was a small one, but her feeling of loss of control was frightening, guilt- and shame-producing, and depressing for her. I would have felt the same way, or I should say do feel the same way, because I've done it. Not big-time, however, just as hers wasn't. It's not eating so much or the calories ingested, it's the powerlessness and uncontrollable behavior that's horrible.

That's a special ED, binge eating disorder, and overweight or obese people often have it, frequently accompanied by compulsive overeating. I'm sure that if I had one cigarette tonight, or even a couple of puffs, I'd smoke a pack tomorrow. Same with food for the food-addicted, but with cookies, cheesecake, pizza with everything, chips or buffalo wings, etc. I've never heard of anyone who craved steamed cauliflower with no butter or cheese on it, or had a leafy green vegetable binge. A salad might be part of a flat-out siege, but never the whole thing.

What do we do with this craziness? The clothing? Dressing the bodies we have, instead of the ones we think we have? The food obsession/preoccupation?

I'll check this out in various places, including others' blogs about their personal experiences, and get back to these subjects soon.

Here's hoping that tomorrow you connect with nature in some way. I believe that nature, in her beauty, is healing. If you can't get out, throw open some windows and breathe deeply. Her sun, breezes, colors, moonlight, fragrance, rain, snow, forests, and everything else she offers are always there for you.

How to maintain weight loss: YOU CAN DO IT.

Yes, it's possible to maintain weight loss, even if you've yo-yo dieted in the past; you have mental health issues; you are/were a binge eater; you have certain negative personality traits, or any number of other things. The greatest predictors of long-term maintenance were: rapid, strong weight loss, especially early in the diet but not greater than 30% at the beginning; the ability to self-moderate, and keeping your exercise routine at least at 50% of your dieting exercise routine.

That first part flies in the face of the common advice to lose weight steadily and slowly. It looks as though Allan's method works better over the long haul. Rapid loss is more associated with long-term loss, as long as it's under 30% in the early days.

The ability to self-moderate is huge. This applies not only to those who were in a system such as Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, etc., but to those who are on the 1200/day diet sheets people are using in the Challenge. I'm interpreting that as perhaps keeping some of those menu suggestions in place, just add more food to them until you get up to maintenance calorie levels. Don't eat sundaes and Cinnabons. Continue with oatmeal, whole grains, eggs, tuna, shrimp, chicken, scallops, lobster, lean beef/pork/lamb, non-fat yogurt, a zillion vegetables, some fruit, etc. And don't batter and deep fry the shrimp, or eat KFC chicken. Be reasonable. That's self-moderation. That's also enough to eat for anyone, really. Oh! Keep drinking water!

The exercise thing was also interesting. They were recommending walking four miles a day three times a week or any other 30 minutes of aerobic exercise three times a week, and keeping on a routine. They also advised continuing some weight training, just for general health/strength, but it was not required. If there were enough exercise and continued calorie restriction, weight loss would continue beyond target weight, which was not advised, obviously.

It said that 100% of those who kept off the weight for at least six years had done those things. 100%!! It comes down to this--do you want to be one of the 100% who's good to go after six years, or one of the majority who gains 30% back at the one year mark? 

You know how to get it off and keep it off. Don't let anyone tell you that you have to gain it back. IT'S NOT TRUE.

This was all from a paper written by Rena R. Wing and Marylou Klem. I don't know when it was published, but it was a large study of the over 3,000 subjects in the National Weight Control Registry. The majority of the data it's based on came from 1999. It's in the book Eating Disorders and Obesity, ed. Christopher G. Fairwell and Kelly D. Brownell.

I over-ate today. Just hungry, that's all--no excuse, just gave in. I didn't eat breakfast or lunch, and by 4 p.m. I was ravenous. I ate a huge bowl of stew (delicious, since I made it, lol) to the very full point. You know how that is. If you eat until you're full, a half-hour later you're nearly sick from being stuffed to the gills. Ugh. I sure paid for it. I won't make that mistake again. I guess every once in a while, you need a kick in the pants. I got mine.

Enough already! Time to sign off.

Accepting your body and chance of maintaining weight loss

In a paper by James C. Rosen, there's some interesting research data about obesity and body image. It starts off with," Studies of nonclinical samples indicate that obese persons do not have more severe mental health symptoms or maladaptive personality traits than nonobese persons." That would seem to be contrary to what the average layperson believes.

"The most common aspects of physical appearance that are dissatisfying to obese and nonobese persons, especially women, are the waist or abdomen, whole body, thighs, lower body, and buttocks."

The paper goes on to discuss how attitudes toward the self by obese persons are not always negative. Some obese and overweight people have positive self-images, not negative ones, and those whose self-esteem is higher tend to lose more weight than those whose body image is negative. Moreover, positive self-image correlates with longer and better weight loss maintenance than self-loathing. The paper postulates that those who are losing weight for health, rather than hating one's appearance, do better overall.

That makes sense once you think about it. Someone who has negative body image might shy away from "rewarding" him/herself with a better appearance in this culture (and Western culture overall).

One of the predictors of better self-image is how young the individual was when her/his obesity began. If it happened before adolescence, there's a greater chance of negative body image. That makes sense, too, since negative attitudes toward a person during the environmental part of personality development are more difficult to deal with than those whose self-image developed later.

I want to get into this in more detail later today. Got my homework done (yay!) and have a four-day weekend, so I'll have time to bring you more bits of research papers. I lost a few pounds over the past ten days, which makes me very happy but will anger my family doctor. Because I was maintaining my weight for several months, he decided that I don't have to show up monthly for a weigh-in anymore. When he sees the drop at the beginning of March--especially if I lose more--he might have me come in monthly again. I'd hate that. I also hate disappointing him. He's a caring, warm, human being. I'd like to do well for both him and my husband, but this feels good to me. Yeah, I have a problem, it seems.

Pain today; had to eat.

I don't know how many of you get migraines, but I'll bet it's quite a few. I woke up with one this morning, plus nausea, so I had to get some food into my stomach. One thing that won't make me throw up is bread, so I had a thick slice of brioche which I made yesterday. I'm hoping it makes the nausea settle down, since my meds aren't. I have to work the late shift today and vow not to take any sick days this year if possible. I probably should take something to work to eat this afternoon, but won't. Can't afford the calories.

I've been reading more on Binge Eating Disorder. It's very common for an overweight or obese person to have it. BED is more or less a compulsive overeating session without purging by vomiting, laxatives, over-exercise, etc. What separates it from an overeating session is the feeling of guilt, shame, and disgust the person feels toward him/herself after, as well as the feeling of powerlessness while the binge is taking place. I know that as an anorexic, I've done small eating sessions, not meeting the criteria for a binge, where I felt out of control. Hunger simply overwhelmed me. I'm sure that you can identify with that. Which is worse, though--emotional hunger or physical hunger? Good question.

In the Ancel Keys study of starvation, men who were starved binged regularly after the study was over. I'll discuss that study in depth here because it shows the effects of extremely low calories (800 or less for weeks) and the disordered eating which occurs both during the semi-starvation and after. It's a fascinating look at our biology of hunger. Now, with knowledge about leptin and ghrelin, I wonder how a study like that would be bolstered or negated by blood tests.

I'm also reading more on the various forms of bariatric surgery, since I have many questions about it. It sounds extremely rigorous, so much so, that I'd have to be desperate to choose it, and I think that people who have it done are desperate. It's a very difficult thing to live with after. I was ignorant enough to think that it always worked, until a friend's husband gained all the weight back after his. I was unaware that could happen until I learned more about it. It's a tough row to hoe to maintain lost weight after, and even to lose the weight a person wants to lose. My hat is off to people who choose that route.

Lots to talk about in the future. I'm behind in my classes, however, so it'll be a few days before I get to them. It's also why I haven't written here since Saturday. I apologize.

Copying the new BMI chart

I'll be by to post later. I've been reading blogs or sleeping all day long--nothing else! So much to think about and read out there, and not enough time.

Okay. Here's the BMI chart, which I made out of two other extended ones. If you run across any extended BMI charts, I'd appreciate it if you'd post them in a comment.

I'll put them on the site here (somewhere) with a link to one or two BMI calculators. Yes, as I wrote before, there are things wrong with this measurement, but it, plus waist size, are all we have for now. See you later.

Emaciated = Under 15 BMI
Anorexic = 15.1 - 17.3 BMI
Underweight = 17.4 - 18.4 BMI
Normal = 18.5 - 24.9 BMI
Overweight = 25 - 29.9 BMI

Obesity (Class I) 30 - 34.9
Obesity (Class II) 35 - 39.9
Extreme Obesity 40 - >40

My fun for tonight and this weekend.

Lots of schoolwork and work-work to do this weekend, but housework is done--yay! Still, I'm going to read Twix's and Katy's blogs. I'll go right after I post this. Thanks, guys, for taking the time to comment. It means a lot to me. I guess I should be more open, then. It's scary, you know. I'm not that brave. I have some online "enemies." They'd do anything to mock me, but you know what? I guess I'd rather be honest and open, with honest and open people like my friends, the food/weight bloggers, and take the risk of mockery. If they find out who I am, so what? Really, so fucking what? (Some Allan language there, lol.) If you and I can make a connection in this struggle of ours, it's worth it.

This will sound crazy, but another thing I envy is that some of you have taken the Challenge on and are willing to work that hard at losing weight. I envy the strength of will and determination. Especially, I envy the camaraderie of your doing it together. My particular problem is that I want to lose another eight pounds or so. Then, once I lose them, I'll want to lose another five. Why? Because I think I'm too big at this size. At any size. Do I want to die? No, not at all. At least, not consciously. When my electrolytes were imbalanced, I took my potassium to protect my heart, so I don't want to have a heart attack. Hell, I don't know what I want, just that I want to weigh less. Less than I did. Less than I do. And probably less than I'll ever weigh.

You know, an overweight person doesn't set out to become obese, nor does an obese person want to have heart problems, either. They can be told it can kill them, but most of the time, they don't decide to make the serious changes they must to lose weight. So it's the same thing. We all desperately want something for different reasons, and they all have to do with food.

I had two close friends in AA. When they moved away, it broke my heart. Both were smokers (as was I at the time) and one was fat. The overweight one said that giving up booze and drugs was so much easier than giving up overeating, because while she didn't have to drink, she still had to eat more than once a day. She was biologically forced to take in her "drug" to stay alive. I've thought about that, and hear what she's saying. Hunger is a powerful drive, stronger than anything except breathing and drinking fluids. Much stronger than sex. A person on a weight loss diet knows going into it that s/he'll have to tolerate a certain amount of hunger to be successful. That's why I think that the demons must be confronted along the way, particularly to maintain the loss.

What do you think about all this? Do you think we gain weight because we have big appetites, or because we have other problems that we attempt to solve with food? Do you think it differs from person to person? Do you think it's different for those who are merely overweight as opposed to those who are obese? I mean it's one thing to weigh 155 when you should weigh 130, but quite another to weigh 365 when you're supposed to weigh 170.

I ate two pieces of dark chocolate today. If you knew me, you'd know how nutty that is, since I don't even care for chocolate. It's here for my husband. I'll take the rest of this box into work on Monday, but don't understand why I did it. My therapist would say it's because my body desperately wants calories, and will eat anything to get them. I think that's too simplistic, but I kept it to myself.

I finished Frank Bruni's book, "Born Round." It ended the only way it could. He has a binge after several years of working out and watching his food intake, without weight gain. He realizes that he'll never be cured of this disease--he can only hold it at bay. He loses the ten pounds he gained over the two-week binge, and goes on to get on even keel again. Or as his grandmother used to say, if you're born round, you'll never die a square. He'll just keep working at it.

It was a very good, brave book.

Envy fat women? Sometimes, like today.

A co-worker of mine had some lint stuck to his sweater today. I plucked it off, then noticed it was a little letter "R," which I found to be odd. I showed it to him, then noticed my hand--my fingers in particular. The skin around my nails, not the cuticle, was flaking off. My once-beautiful nails were thin, weak, and flaking off. Then I looked in the mirror when I went to the restroom. The skin on my forehead was flaking off. The skin on my shinbones, too. Nearly everywhere on my body, I have flaky skin and I have dried-out, fragile, nails.

The worst is my dry hair, and it's falling out. It was once thick as my wrist, longer than waist-length, and full of body and waves/curls. Now it's thin, lank, dry, and straight.

Fat women have lush, gorgeous hair, and soft, moist, skin. They do perfect manicures on their beautiful finger and toenails, and look pretty.

Next time you see a size 0 or 2 walk by, and wish you could be that thin so that you could wear any clothes you wanted to, and could buy clothes on sale because those sizes are always left on the rack, think about this. Think about wearing those clothes with sparse eyebrows and eyelashes that makeup can't hide. Think about brittle, dry hair that breaks off and falls out. How good do you think you'll look in those clothes then?

There's a happy medium between these two eating disorders and it's called healthy. It's called normal. Your hair is beautiful and you wear a size 8 or 10 or 12. You're neither hot nor cold all the time--the temperature indoors is just right. You don't think about what you're going to have for supper when it's only 6 a.m. You don't feel nauseated if you have two potato chips. Food isn't on your mind constantly. That's what healthy is.

Does this make sense?

I guess I need some suggestions.

My blog is boring. I want it to educate people about EDs, although it seems to be focused on overweight and obese people right now. That's because I've been overweight and it still preys on my mind, and because most people are overweight or obese, and trying to lose weight. I'm just interested in it, that's all. And there's more information out there on fat than there is on anorexia, even if a lot of people seem to think anorexics are somehow "exotic" and intriguing. I have no idea why they feel that way. It's like being intrigued about heart disease--not a pleasant subject.

Anyway, I've been reading other people's blogs and see that they're intensely personal, written by people who are bravely open and honest. While I'm honest, I've only written one entry which was at all personal. So my question is: is that what people want to read rather than information? Do you know all the information already and are completely uninterested in hearing it again? Would overweight and obese people care about hearing from a former overweight person who now is anorexic? Do you think that I can't identify with your plight?

I think only one person is reading this on occasion, and no one else. I don't expect to get any answers to my questions, but I'd still like some, if you wouldn't mind. I can take this blog anywhere you want it to go. Just let me know.

Psychology and obesity/eating disorders

There are several papers in Eating Disorders and Obesity which deal with the psychological problems of obese and other eating-disordered people. With the obese, it's a chicken and egg thing--are fat people depressed and do they have low self-esteem because they're obese, or do they eat to get rid of pain, set off those happy endorphins and serotonin, and thus get fat? Probably a little of both, but certainly being obese or overweight is depressing in this culture. Moreover, being blamed for your illness doesn't make you feel good about yourself. Sure, there are things an eating-disordered person did/does which made her fat, but insults such as "disgusting," "ugly," "slob," "lazy," and so on aren't helpful by a long shot. If anyone's body is berated with those words, they'll soon come to loathe themselves.

People who don't have an eating disorder won't turn to food to assuage pain. They'll go for a walk, buy new shoes, see a movie, call a friend, or do any of a bunch of things to cheer up, not stuff themselves with junk food or binge on 10,000+ calories. The latter shows self-loathing. Anorexics, on the other hand, must control something in their lives. They hate their home life, work life, their bodies, their ugliness, their lack of talent--all sorts of things--and feel they can't control that. But one thing they can control is their appetite, one of the basic needs and desires any animal can have. They hate themselves so much they'll starve themselves to death. Pretty grim.

I learned today that I've never had a true binge. That was a surprise, and a comfort. I think the most I've ever eaten in one sitting is 2000-3000 calories, and I call 3,000 in one day a binge. That's not a binge in psychiatric terms. A binger will eat up to 9 times in one sitting what she'd eat in a typical day, or up to 18,000 calories a day! The bottom is 10,000. It's hard for me to believe anyone could consume 18,000 calories in one night, but I suppose that's interspersed with vomiting sessions. That's incredible, and my heart goes out to them. It must hurt very much, or at least be tremendously uncomfortable. Vomiting then serves two purposes: it gets rid of calories to keep weight down, and relieves pain in the abdomen from distention. While dangerous, it's actually helpful given the purger's mindset.

One study showed that binge eaters have a greater risk of other psychopathologies (depression, low self esteem), at 60%, than non-binge overeaters, at 28%. (Here, depression means a clinically severe depression, not just blue or "down.") This illustrates the potential danger of binge eating for a fat person. The heavier, the worse the psychological problems are, which makes sense. Age of onset is important, too. Many obese people were obese since early childhood, or certainly by adolescence. The overweight generally don't become obese in childhood. They might gain a lot of weight around menarche, but usually not before. All these things are relative, however. No one person has everything, nor is anyone a statistic.

There's a lot more to this than what I've written tonight, but you get the idea. I'll address it more later. I just wanted make it clear that you aren't the only one binging; you aren't the only one who hates herself; you aren't the only one who cries about your weight. All of us in this boat do one or another, or all of these things. In a study of small children and attitudes toward obesity, they were asked a series of questions, such as would you rather be thin than fat? They all said yes. Would you rather have a cold than be fat? Yes. Finally, they got to--would you rather lose a leg or be fat? Over 80% said they'd rather lose a limb than be fat! How on earth did we teach them this? Where have our children learned this from? How has being fat terrified children so much that they'd rather not have a leg than be obese? This is more than sad: it's nuts.

Take care this evening and until I see you again. I know that most of you are on the way to good health. It's difficult. Okay, it's harder than difficult--it stinks. But with the right attitude, it's quite doable, and certainly worth it. You'll love the normal, slim, you. Promise.

Another book on tap.

I thought I'd try to read a book on low-carb dieting called Good Calories, Bad Calories: Fats, Carbs, and the Controversial Science of Diet and Health, by Gary Taubes. He's a journalist, not a researcher, and the book wasn't recommended by a scientist, but I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm not big on this idea; then again, I haven't read too much about it.

It's not that I don't think there are bad calories. I believe that if you're on a weight loss diet, you can't eat a sundae and that's your 1200 calories for a day. Why not? Put nutrition aside, and think only of insulin. A jolt of sugar like that causes an immediate flow of insulin to be released in your body. There will be more insulin produced than is needed to process the sugar, which leaves some "left over," so to speak. Since insulin increases appetite, you'll be hungry for a long, long, time after eating that sundae.

Moreover, people like us, who tend to binge, are eating the worst thing we can eat to keep stable. Sundaes have gotten us fat, not skin-free chicken breasts with a side of broccoli. Sweets are a huge trigger for most of us, especially sweets which are high fat. Not only does it set the body off on a hunger rampage, it sets our minds off on an "I can eat anything" spree.

I'll see what he has to say.

Book recommendation

I'm reading a book by Frank Bruni, titled Born Round. Bruni is an award-winning journalist who's covered the White House, foreign capitols, and much more hard news, but has been the New York Times' food critic for several years now. The title is a reference to something his grandmother said to him, "If you're born round, you will never be square." Bruni was born round, as many of us were.

He catalogues his appetite and the foods he ate, always in massive amounts. He just loved food, and turned it into his friend as he got older. By the time he was in college, however, he'd turned a minor problem into a full-blown, serious eating disorder, using purging to get rid of meals right after he'd eaten. He certainly was a compulsive overeater, with bulimia, by the time he was a young man, but he had an unhealthy attitude toward food practically from the time he was born.

The chronicle of his eating might be triggering for those who are fighting obesity or bulimia. The meals were eaten with abandon, and he goes into their details. He is also fairly graphic about the vomiting, and that could add a weapon to those of you who might already tend toward purging. If you think this stuff could be a problem for you, please don't read it. But for others, I do think you can identify, and he'll show you the way out of the hell of a severe ED to health. He's now able to eat the finest foods in New York as well as Europe without weight gain.

I did some restaurant reviewing when I was a journalist. It's not as easy as it sounds, and since most of the food is bad, I wasn't tempted to eat any more than I had to in order to do a fair assessment. You go to a place three or four times to get a good feel for it and to try to get several entrees, apps, salads, etc., then write the review. With bad food, trust me--it's no pleasure. Because you eat out every night, the calorie intake is high, so serious workouts, both muscle-building and aerobic, are on the menu, too. The thought that Bruni (or I) review restaurants is quite ironic, don't you think?

Anyway, Bruni does get his ED under control, brings his weight into a normal range, and mostly stops the binging. It's a story with a happy ending.

I hope all of us who are struggling with weight loss have happy endings, too. If you read the blogs I have under my favorites, you'll see some happy endings. Almost Gastric Bypass is run by Allan Klein, a New Yorker who was a major league eater. He headed a restaurant and catering business that had some of the best food you'll ever see. (Another irony, yes?) He's running a group effort toward health for obese people that is based on sound science, as well as healthy emotional and physical attitudes. Check it out--it has hundreds or thousands? of readers from all over the world.

Fat Like Me is run by a blogger who's in the middle of a life-changing weight loss. She is part of the fifth, most difficult Challenge that AGB is running. Follow her success as she battles her ED on the way to health and--dare I say it?--beauty. She's a beautiful woman. Her's was the first weight loss blog I ever read, and it was the first to set me on this road to loving your body and treating yourself as though you love it. Check her blog out, too.

Since I'm not running any sort of challenge, and don't have a formal group going, those of you who are at loose ends, in addition to those who already have a supportive team of dieters, are begged to come aboard. Since this blog is for all EDs, welcome everyone.

I'm thinking of offering raffles. Nothing huge, just something nice for fun. Let me know what you think.

Repeat dieting, extra BMI classes, bariatric surgery, mixed bag

I've been looking around for evidence that repeat dieting--so-called yo-yo weight loss--makes it more difficult to lose weight with each subsequent try. I've found a few research papers which say no. As soon as I can find the sources again, I'll cite them for you. I had a gut feeling that I was no different from anyone else, so if it didn't become more difficult for me, why would it be different for anyone else? The best paper spelled it out, that both the overweight and obese dieter need not fear that a weight loss diet won't work. The diet works, if we do.

I get annoyed when people say that diets don't work. They may be very difficult, require supreme dedication, and need total commitment on the part of the dieter, but several types of weight loss diets work. A low-carb diet does cause weight loss, but not because fat's high calories make you thin. It's because fat has a lot of power to cause a loss of appetite. We're satiated more easily on it. Between fat, meat, and 5% carb vegetables, such as broccoli, greens, cauliflower, string beans, and so on, eaten with wild abandon, you're full. Add lots of water to that, and essentially you're on a low-cal diet. A lap-band procedure is also a low-cal diet, albeit a drastic one.

It always amazes me that people believe low-cal diets don't work, but bariatric surgery does. They're the same thing! Surgery doesn't perform some sort of miracle and change the laws of physics. It only forces the patient into not eating as much, which by definition is lowering calorie intake. Some people do that with diet and exercise, and some with surgery.

I mentioned before that I wasn't pleased with the trend now to perform surgery on people who aren't as obese as they had to be before to get it. The minimum used to be 100 lbs. over the maximum healthy weight, which in my case, would be 145 + 100, or 245. And the patient couldn't be sure that anyone would perform the surgery then. Now, a person doesn't need to be that fat.

The lap band procedure is the reason for most of the changes in bariatric medicine. In addition to its being done on lower weight patients, it's being done on much younger ones, such as adolescents. There hasn't been much study done of the long-term results of bariatric surgery on adults, let alone children.

To add to the BMI charts from before, in Eating Disorders and Obesity, there's an add-on for the top weights on the BMI scale. This source is the National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute, part of the National Institutes of Health.

Underweight, BMI <18.5
Normal weight, 18.5 - 24.9
Overweight, 25 - 29.9
Obesity (Class I) 30 - 34.9
Obesity (Class II) 35 - 39.9
Extreme Obesity 40 - >40

You'll note the difference in these BMI classes from the regular ones in that usually, >30 indicates obesity and there it stops. With this chart, someone can get a better sense of where s/he stands.

Having a waist circumference over 35" for women, and over 40" for men, increases the risk of significant physical problems at any weight, but particularly at obese ones. There is a direct correlation of these markers with type 2 diabetes, hypertension, and cardiovascular disease.

What's up tomorrow? I don't know yet, but this was just another info post. I hope these are working out for you. If not, please leave comments. I might go to more anecdotal and personal stuff again soon.

What weight do you dream of?

There are five weights in an obese person's life: highest weight, dream weight, happy weight, acceptable weight, and disappointing weight. Except for the highest weight, the others come from a paper in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. They're good names for what most of us think about.

An obese person will never forget the highest weight s/he's ever been. Say 268--that number will be branded somewhere in her brain as the most she's ever weighed or will weigh in her life. That might have happened before in her life, for instance, at 247. Now, here she is at 21 pounds more. The shame of it all, the disappointment in herself. The questioning, "How could I have let myself go like that?" It's a horrible feeling. But top weight is what it is--a magic number that will never be exceeded if the person can help it.

What does she do even before commencing a weight loss diet? Dream. Dream of 110 or 115, and what the world would be like if only she could lose 150+ pounds. So starts the diet. I don't know how long it takes, but at some point, she realizes that she'll be happy with 135 pounds, not 110. Since 145 is the highest she can weigh within the BMI's normal weight limit, she'll still be normal weight and have ten pounds to spare for bloating days of the month. Perfect. It becomes as good as the dream weight, and rightly so.

Slowly but surely, she gets down to 168--100 pounds less than when she started. That is amazing, but she still wishes she could lose another 35. Still, at this point, the loss is so radical, so life-changing, that she can accept it. Losing at a rate of .5 pounds/week, with an occasional gain of seven pounds due to bloat, isn't inspiring enough to lose any more. She's done. If she can remain at 168 or so for the rest of her life, her health won't be jeopardized much (the risk of diabetes II remains); she can buy a reasonable range of clothes, and she'll accept that. She won't jump for joy, but it's acceptable.

The worst happens about a third of the time--disappointing weight loss. This would be about 50 pounds, down to 218. She still has most of the health risks she had before; she's still obese; she's still treated worse than average weight people, clothes are still hard to find . . . all that work, for "nothing" (or so she thinks). Disappointment most often leads to regaining the lost weight, causing depression. She's ashamed of herself. If she's lucky, the depression will be treatable; however, most anti-depressants cause weight gain via the serotonin system. There's nothing she can do about it except try various meds. If she's unlucky, she'll be obese and have an untreatable depression.

See what I wrote in the first line of that last paragraph: this happens one-third of the time. What is the likelihood that she will gain those 50 pounds back? Pretty high, I'd say. And as she gets older, and even less active, she'll probably gain more. Since she won't like herself, or think she's worth good things, she'll probably gain that weight with junk food and sweets. It tastes good, is cheap, it's satisfying, etc. The cycle begins anew.

There's some evidence to suggest that repeated cycles of dieting make it harder to lose weight. I'm not sure about that. It didn't happen to me, and I've been dieting since I was nine. (I had to measure foods and count calories as a little girl. There's something obscene about that.) But it could be true. Maybe one's body knows from repeated starvation that it's time to batten down the hatches because it's going to happen again.

What weight do you dream of? Do you remember your highest weight? Have you ever thought of your highest weight as something fear-inspiring? Something to dread, as though it were a monster? What about your dream weight? Can you picture yourself at that weight? Fantasize about what you'd wear, what you'd move like, what your face would look like with angular bones?

Let's do some visualization and fantasy exercises sometime. It's fun, and it works.

EDs are never cured. Personal ramblings.

What the hell does that mean? It means just what it says--if you're an anorexic, you will always have a sick relationship with food, just as if you're obese. What that doesn't mean is that you won't be a normal weight for the rest of your life. You can be, and you will be. But it's work, and hard work at that.

I was a chain smoker for nearly 40 years, I'm embarrassed to say. I'm a nicotine addict. I will always be one, and can never have even one cigarette until the day I die. One will lead to another one, and that will lead to two. In a week or two, I'll be chain-smoking again. I've made a pledge that I won't smoke today, nor any day, for the rest of my life.

An anorexic must make a pledge not to starve herself, and an obese person has to do without buffalo wings with a creamy dressing for the rest of his/her life. Food is a drug to a binger. A greasy bacon cheeseburger can lead to a 10,000 calorie binge, followed by intense vomiting to get rid of the pain and calories. Each leads to self-loathing. I knew a compulsive binge eater who was so low on money from buying her binge food that she had to borrow rent money from me. I lent some to her; couldn't afford any more. But I understood why she needed it. I knew I'd never get it back, and I didn't, but she had enough money left over the following months to prevent eviction.

She suffered all day, going to school, then work, all the while thinking of what she'd eat that night. She tried a different grocery store each shopping trip so that no one would notice. She bought enough food for a normal person's week, so her behavior looked normal to outsiders. A binge was usually around 12,000 calories. She got so good at vomiting that she no longer had to use outside help, such as sticking her fingers or a tool down her throat. She merely had to bend over and vomit, perfectly, with ease. Sometimes she'd break a blood vessel with the violence of it, and the toilet would look as though it were full of blood. She'd break blood vessels on her face (I do that) and have to hide them with foundation the next morning.

She wasn't too overweight, either. BEDs who vomit can be normal or somewhat overweight. They're rarely obese. COEs are the ones who end up in the obese category. Anorexics who binge occasionally often vomit, but of course they remain seriously underweight. They make up for a binge with vomiting, excessive exercise, laxatives (they don't work, btw), and fasting. About half of all anorexics are called the purging type, with these symptoms of bulimia in addition to the starvation. The rest of us are restricting types, solely restricting eating. I have had a few binges of late, to about 3,000 calories in one sitting, but didn't vomit. I wanted to, but held back. I detest vomiting. An AN's binge is never as big as a BED's.

What separates a binge from the simple overeating a normal person does on a feast day such as Thanksgiving? The loss of control. A COE feels powerless to quit eating. He feels forced into continuing to eat, long past the feeling of satiation, and even past the point of pain. Yet s/he can't stop until control returns. That could take an hour or an entire night. It could happen in stages, with 3,000 calories, a vomiting session; another 4,000 calories, more vomiting, and so on. This all could be followed by a laxative.

You can see the overlap with bulimia here. What's the difference? The BED isn't as terrified of gaining weight as the BN is. The BEDs vomit just as much to stop the pain as they do to prevent weight gain. The BN doesn't fantasize all day about binging that night. They rarely run out of money. Yes, the differences are subtle, and there are other psychological differences, but those stand out.

While obesity is a slow walk to suicide, AN is a sprint. AN has the highest death rate of all mental illnesses, including depression. It's usually from heart failure, and is more rapid in ANs who purge than ANs who solely restrict. The death rate for ANs is anywhere from a low of 6% to a high of 10%, depending on how severe the disease is.

The obese die of diabetes, heart failure and coronary artery disease, strokes, breast cancer, and liver failure, among other things. All of these are chronic, not acute, killers. That's why the suicide is slow. Which would you rather have--another piece of cake, or blindness from Type II diabetes? The choice is clear for normal people, but not so for the obese.

Still, with a willingness to be well, all of these people can return to health, or have good health for the first time in their lives, and feel good about themselves. They can free up the tenacious webs that tie them to sick food feelings and behaviors. However, they won't be normal in the way people without an ED can be. I did feel that way once, for a period of about three years. I never weighed myself--didn't have to, because my weight was stable. I could look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted. I could shop for clothes without fear. I didn't count the calories of everything that went into my mouth. It was such a peaceful time.

But the old, faithful enemy had never really let go. I began to gain weight, which I knew from the way my clothes fit. I bought bigger clothes. This happened because of a medication I was prescribed and my doctor said it was more important that I take it than worry about a "little" weight gain. Little? I gained over 50 lbs. I could have refused to take the medicine anymore, but I didn't.

I'd like to say that the weight fell off me when I finally had a breakdown in his office over my weight and insisted I go off. But it didn't. I struggled to lose it, but it was so hard, so very hard. I stayed that weight for four years or so. Finally, I was able to take it off. I didn't do it by eating healthful foods or living a good lifestyle. I didn't like myself well enough to be gentle. Instead I ripped through the weight, and more, to get where I wanted to be. I done that before, but didn't think about that. I got down to 92 pounds. My doctor at the time said that two more pounds and she'd have me forcibly put into an ED treatment program. I didn't know at the time that she couldn't have done that--it would have been nearly impossible. So, in tears, I got up to 97, 98 pounds.

That was my second episode of being called eating-disordered. The first was when I was a kid. My family doctor told me he was disgusted with me because I was so fat and ugly. Yup, those were his words, to a child. That office visit is clear in my mind. I can still see his face, feel his loathing, remember what I was wearing, and smell the antiseptic in the air. But my mother had said the same thing, so I don't know why I was surprised and hurt. Maybe because it came from a doctor, a man I trusted.

So I've been fat and I've been skinny. Believe me, skinny is better. Strangers treat you better. When I worked for a gynecologist, he told me that when an obese woman walked into the office, he wanted to puke. This man was allowed to work with women--be responsible for their lives and deaths. He should have had his license yanked.

*Sigh* I've gone on today, with little information for you, just bad memories of my own. I'm feeling fat today. I'm convinced that if I lose about seven pounds I'll feel better. You know what? Once I weight 91, I'll be convinced that if I lose three or four or five more pounds, I'll feel better. Yes, that's what an ED is. It keeps you prisoner, or as the psychiatrist Hilda Bruch would say, a woman in a "gilded cage."

I apologize for this entry today, but warn you that things like this will happen again in the future. Skim them or skip over them if you want the informative stuff. I just had to talk about this.

Wednesday night, February 2, 2011

Damn, I'm sorry I missed yesterday. I had a migraine, took some drugs, and fell sound asleep in my chair. I'll do my best to prevent that again.

Finally, my favorite scientific book on EDs arrived from Amazon. It's called Eating Disorders and Obesity, ed. by Christopher G. Fairburn and Kelly D. Brownell. I had it before, but lent it to someone and never got it back--the story of my life. It's the only book out there which supports my theory that obesity is an ED just like anorexia or bulimia. In it, the doctors and researchers make the case for that, which is still considered to be controversial. I think it's so obvious, I don't know why everyone doesn't believe it. No one gets to be 400 lbs. by having a normal relationship with food, and most obese people have a lot of emotional work to do, as well as emotional garbage to get rid of along their way to their goal weight. I'm not saying they have to have recovered to get to a normal weight, just that they have to in order to maintain a normal weight for a lifetime.

I hate when people accuse the obese of not having any willpower. Who could have more willpower than someone who's felt serious hunger for weeks at a time, several times over the course of a lifetime? That takes real will, in my opinion. But they don't have the stamina and drive to stay slender. When it comes to life and death, somewhere along the line they'll choose death and fried chicken over life and broiled chicken breast. That's emotions talking, not logic. And those emotions are saying, "You're not worth it to stay alive." That has to change.

I'll be posting excerpts from the book from time to time as we go along. I hope you find it as intriguing a theory as I do.

This will be TMI--I ate like I was a garbage can today, and got cramps and intestinal upset. Ugh. For breakfast there was half a bologna sandwich on whole wheat bread. That's schizo to begin with--junk food with healthful food. I didn't eat the rest of the day until 4 p.m., when I microwaved a large bag of popcorn and ate the whole thing. It was low-cal, but still . . . . Maybe that's what gave me diarrhea. There, that was my nutrition for the day. Oh, a Coke and half a can of ginger ale. There's hardly a gram of decent food for the whole day, even though I didn't top my calorie max. I have to stop eating as though I'm a garbage can. If you are what you eat, I'm garbage. See what I mean about garbage in your head?

I'm going to look around some anorexia sites for tips on how to avoid eating when you're hungry. No one is better at that than anorexics. They do it every day, all day, for months at a time. I'd just put up links to pages, but the information and tips are a mixed bag. Some are just silly and stupid. Some would interfere with Allan's (Almost Gastric Bypass blog) Challenge. Others are flat-out wrong, with no basis in science whatsoever. Many are downright dangerous. But there is, between the lines, some good advice. I'll get back to you on that.

That's it for today. Make sure to drink enough water all day, every day, to keep hydrated and stay full. Go for a walk and relax. Pet your animal companions. And remember--you aren't garbage, you deserve to live, and you're the only one in the world, in all of history, who was, is, or ever will be like you. Take care of your precious self.