Update

Oh, kids, it's a mess. I wanted to see my doctor last week while I was off on break, but he was on vacation. He's back in the office tomorrow, so I'll see him then. The IBS is no better, and now I have pitting edema in my legs. The last time I had this, it was from anemia, which I do have, based on my most recent blood tests. So I'm sure he'll Rx iron again. I'm gaining weight, and it could be from water, but you know how upsetting that can be to someone like me.

Caron, I watched the Oprah episode on OWN through my PC--thank you! I only wish they were all available on line, because I won't be able to watch them in real time. Bummer. I see that the leader of the program believes as I do, that all of the disorders are the same under the skin, from obesity to AN, BED, COE, BN, BED, EDNOS, etc. I hope this show changes some minds about the whole subject regarding that. She did mention that it was a controversial belief.

I have over 2000 emails in my home inbox, and lord knows how many at work. I'm just so behind in everything. I have to let the stress go or it'll make everything worse, especially the IBS.

But I'm okay. Don't worry--I'm doing fine. I appreciate your concern more than you can know. Thank you for being there for me.

I hope everyone had a good holiday, if you celebrate one, and a good weekend in general. Take care, my friends.

Obesity and eating disorders; odds and ends.

I bought a domain: obesityandeatingdisorders.com. I'm taking a class on learning how to blog. I want to set this puppy up and go with it once I know what I'm doing. My hope is that some of you will be willing to be interviewed after it gets underway--by first name only or pseudonym--and anorexics, bingers, bulimics, et al. It's kind of scary to think about it, but I've been thinking about it for a while.

You might ask where I'm going to get the time to do this, since I haven't been here in so long. I have a confession to make which is a little embarrassing. It seems I've developed irritable bowel syndrome (IBS, not irritable bowel disease, IBD). It won't kill me, and it might go into remission, but for the last two months it's been getting slowly worse and worse. I'm now having diarrhea up to 20 or more times a day. I never had this before.

I had three minor accidents at work last week, and am terrified it's going to get worse. My best friend is coming to visit tomorrow for the first time in a long time (he lives across the country) and I can't leave the house to go out to dinner, or go for a ride, or do anything. I have to be near a toilet at all times.

I have some medicine which helps a little bit. I'm scared to death about next year, working full time again. What will I do if it doesn't go into remission? Apparently, stress is a big trigger. Oh, good. Just what I need.

I'll get back here to write about the things I've been reading--I hope tonight. I'm on spring break, so it should be more relaxing for me. I must get my nerves under control. I'm going to write here first, before reading all of your blogs, then read your blogs, getting caught up, and commenting. I miss it here among my comrades in the ED battle.

I had a talk with my therapist about the things that were bothering me, and which had led me not to trust him anymore. At first, he tried to explain why he'd said those things. I said that's all very well and good, but I'm not here to listen to your reasons. I'm here to tell you how what you said made me feel, how harsh and cruel they were, and how you must tailor your therapeutic style to your patient. You said I was the sickest you'd ever seen me? Then why did you choose that moment to kick me when I was down? Did you think that would help? The sickest you ever saw me? That takes a lot of nerve. And I went on about it until I was sure he "got" it. He seemed to be stunned. He apologized pro forma. I said that wouldn't do. He had to understand the damage he'd done. That I'd been coming to see him with dread and mistrust, and I wasn't going to do that anymore.

He apologized sincerely--twice--after we talked about it for a while. He said it must have been hard to confront him so solidly, with no apologies for my side of it, as I usually do. I told him that if I'd learned anything from him over the years, it was how to set boundaries and get what I need out of people. Yes, it was difficult; however, I wasn't willing to give up on something I'd worked so hard on with someone I'd gotten to know well over a few bad sessions. If I had to, I certainly would. But I'd rather put some effort into it and see if I could make it work.

That worked out, then. We'll see what happens in the future. He's been put on notice I won't tolerate attacks--and I told him that's how I saw his statements--and if I have to leave, I'll leave. But I didn't think that with new understanding and willingness to work on both our parts that would have to happen.

He said he really cares about me, as a person, not just as a patient. And he was honestly afraid I would become ill as a result of my extreme weight loss. We discussed the physical problems I've had over it, and how they'll get worse with the IBS. I'm not allowed to eat anything with a lot of fiber (fruits and vegetables), peas, corn, most beans, whole grains (I sometimes ignore this and eat rye bread.). I'm limited to meat and starch. . . a very bad diet, to my mind. My doc says this is temporary, just until the inflammation quiets down. If I eat anything, even a piece of bread, it triggers an episode. So when I work second shift, I get up around 7 a.m. and don't have a thing to eat until 4 p.m. when I get home. Then I spend the rest of the night on the pot, unable to sleep. The next day, I work from 7 - 11:30, having been up all night, and don't eat anything until I get home at noon. It's not a good way to live.

My ankles are swollen again with pitting edema. That frequently happens when my anemia is bad. I'm gaining a pound a day as a result. I'm going to write to my doc to see if he wants me to take the diuretic again. I don't want to, but I know that pitting edema can be dangerous.

IOW, I'm a mess! I apologize for going on here, but it's really helping me to get this off my chest. Sharing--or more accurately, whining to you guys--really helps me sometimes, and it's helping now.

I've had some fun, though. Baked a loaf of Italian sesame bread, shaped into a braid. It's not only pretty, it tastes great. I left the seeds off due to the fiber. I'm going to have a piece when I get back from the dentist today. I'm going to make my superb (hah!) meatloaf when I get back, too, with roasted potatoes. I hate to brag, but due to experience and study, plus being married to a chef and having an expert cook in my gram, I'm an excellent cook. But I am one lousy baker, lol. Learning to bake is my new hobby and it's so much fun. A lot of my baked stuff ends up in the garbage can, I admit it. But my focus is breads, and there, I'm doing pretty well. My sweets just don't do it, unless they're yeast-based, such as cinnamon rolls. I need a mixer and a good oven, but we rent, so we have to deal with what we have, which is typical landlord junk. I have to call an oven repairman. One of our burners, the one I use most often, is out. Maybe he'll be able to calibrate the temp in the oven. That will be difficult, so I might not bother. She didn't even buy a self-cleaning oven, and it's 2011! I'll sure bet she has one. How cheap she can be. She goes on about what good tenants we are, and how we never ask for anything, etc. What's the point? We just pay for it ourselves.

Okay. I'm done whining. Thanks so much for listening. It means a lot to me.

Super quickie.

I'm at work, and hate to write from here. My phone and internet have been down for a couple of days now, so I haven't been able to post. It's supposed to get fixed tonight, so I hope to write tonight or tomorrow. I've been sad not to have my internet and be able to read what you've written and keep up with you guys!

Take care of yourselves and I miss you. I've gotten some reading time in, though, so that's good.

Long time no see.

When I began this blog, I wanted to post once a day. Now look at me--skipping whole days. I've even skipped writing my book chapter summaries. I have to be more disciplined and get on the ball here. I'm behind  in reading your writing, even, something I always keep up with. But I've been this way even at work. Lots of work trouble, money trouble, migraine trouble, and other pain problems are interfering with my life. They must go and real life must come back. I'll work on that.

I got another book in the mail from Amazon yesterday that I think will be perfect for us. It's Psychological Responses to Eating Disorders and Obesity: Recent and Innovative Work. It was published in 2008 in England. Don't worry about the English side of it. I've read their stuff and seen documentaries made there that were more up to date that ours, that's for sure. But let's see before we judge it, okay? Then we can judge. Definitely have to steal some Post-Its from work because I can't get to the stationery store for a few weeks and I need them before then. I know--I can stick a buck or two in our petty cash box. There--that solves the problem. I hate copping anything from work.

Okay. Gotta go. There's a sale at King Arthur Flour and with my new bread baking hobby, I want to order some things. If you order over $60 worth of stuff, you get free postage. They're expensive, so I can easily make that big an order. I hate spending any money right now, but I need the stuff, so I'll be spending it soon, anyway. Better do it without $20 postage!

Take care today.

Apology for not writing something intelligent.

Haven't been reading anything regarding EDs for a couple of days, so I haven't been able to post about it. I hope you don't mind. In one of my new books, the compare and contrast the suspected causes and outcomes of obesity, AN, and BN. There's an obvious link with binge eat among all of them, of course. And most AN is triggered by a weight loss diet that progresses to AN in a susceptible person. But that 's not a cause of AN.

I'll try to find that and do it tonight unless I run into something more interesting tonight.

I hope you all have a good day today--Karen, I especially hope there's some sun for you.

Pissed off that I didn't bake bread.

I think I told you that they cut my hours in half and switched me two days a week to second shift from mornings every day. I hate second shift, and the financial loss has been truly bad, since my DH was cut 20%. We're hurting, in other words. Fortunately, we had some savings, so we've been able to make it through, but I sure never thought I'd be using savings for everyday living. Well enough whining.

The point is that Mondays are a second shift day, and I always look forward to excellent bread for breakfast Monday morning. I don't have any today. Boo hoo. We're in three wars in the Middle East, and I'm concerned with bread. I can be so selfish.

I'm going to calculate time to see if I can bake tomorrow. I know I have enough time to make focaccia, but I don't like it as much as a loaf of Italian bread with sesame seeds on top, formed into a pretty braid. Or challah. Aaaah. I'd love some challah. I'm happy my body tolerates carbs well, because I love many high-carb foods. However, I could use more protein in my diet, so I'll make a strong effort to get more.

Allan's post this morning was poignant. How well I remember the name-calling when I was overweight. I think it's even worse if it starts when you're a child, because that's when you're developing your entire self-image and respect for yourself. It continued, in my case, into adulthood. I can only imagine what it was like for him, and other obese people--a hundred times worse? Why are people so horrid to fat people? They aren't hurting anyone. You know the high-IQ group, Mensa? A study was done on the members and they found that Mensa members had a higher rate of obesity than the general population. Could it be lifestyle, in that they tend to read instead of work out? Smart people read. I'm not saying that people who work out are dumb. I'm saying that people who read are smarter than people who don't. If you disagree, fine, but I'm not going to change my mind. I've never met a smart person who didn't read, but I've met plenty of dumb ones who don't.

Yeah, I'm feeling snippy this morning. Karen's cranky, too. I guess it's just a shitty Monday. I was reading some good stuff last night on EDs, including obesity. Can't wait to blog on that, and how they're related.

Hope to see you later today, and hope everyone in a funk gets out of it and feels better, okay?

Rambling on a cool, breezy day; Almost Gastric Bypass

Sometimes I love this climate. It's a little overcast (for here; for back east, it's sunny), but there have been gentle to moderate winds all day, and it's cool--maybe 75 or so. Beautiful. I've been sitting at this computer all day due to my GI upset. I didn't even bake bread, and was so looking forward to it all week. Maybe I can do it on a weekday if I plan it just right.

Remember how upset I was last week that I'd gained from 95.1 to 95.9? This week, I was 94.5. What a relief! Now, I'm not stupid. I know it's likely to be water loss with all of the intestinal stuff. Still, when those numbers come up on the scale, they make me happy anyway.

Can someone write in my comments why, during the Challenges, it's been so important to drink all that water? That's just impossible for me. I keep forgetting, for one thing. And even when I'm thirsty, I can't drink all that much during the workweek because I'm not allowed to go to the restroom whenever I want to. Still, I like to try on the weekends. What does it do for the body? I read somewhere that it reduces migraines. Is that so?

Sorry to be so ignorant, but Allen's blog doesn't have a search function. Maybe I'll go all the way back to the beginning and read it. I did go pretty far back, but not all the way. Now that I sort of "know" him better, I'd like to read everything he wrote.

I sincerely hope I've spelled Allen's name right. I've seen it as Allan, too, so I'm not sure. If it's misspelled, let me know and I'll correct it.

He was on a tear today, wasn't he? Do you blame him? Karen, what you wrote about not all people were ready reminded me so much of myself and smoking. What a waste of years and money invested in the most dangerous thing you can do to yourself. I wish I'd snorted coke instead of inhaling nicotine, frankly. (Coke is God's way of telling you that you make too much money.) And I'll never outlive some of the negative health effects I earned from it. But I just wasn't ready to quit until I did.

Back to Allen, and I've said these things before, so skip ahead. He's working his diet hard in such a difficult situation because of his job. I'd pick up several entrees and go nuts with them if I worked there. Do you see the beauty of some of those dishes? Anyway, he's doing it, he says, because he broke that chair, had an epiphany, and decided he didn't want to die, or worse still--live as an invalid. Or at least I think he was afraid of the latter. If you've ever seen a heart patient in a wheel chair, you'll know what I mean.

He's smart, persuasive, charming, and had contacts. He researched bariatric surgery. He saw the diet he had to follow pre-op and post-op. He had another epiphany: if I have to eat like this with the surgery, why can't I just eat this way and lose the weight without it? Hence a great idea was born for him, keeping in mind it wouldn't work for everyone. He started a blog. Many came. Many learned. Many joined in the fight. He was able to make a deal to get a marvelous, nutritious, weight loss plan that would normally cost people thousands of dollars, for free. The plan was vetted by bariatric specialists in medicine and nutrition. All people had to do was follow the plan, and they would lose xxx amount of weight in a tad over a year. (Is it 15 months? I forget.) He's lost over 180 lbs. since last June, right? Not even a year. The Plan requires: 1. healthy eating, 2. lots of fluids, and 3. mild to moderate exercise. That's it. Yup, the good, old-fashioned, low-cal diet. Don't cut out all carbs. Don't cut out all meats. Don't cut out all fats. Just less of all of it. No strenuous exercise, just some walking. No expensive purchases. Water is free from the tap. And he's lost over 180 lbs. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

More deals. In addition to the free medical advice, he's managed to get wonderful prizes for those who've achieved their goal weights as a percentage based on their original weight, etc. I can understand it but can't explain it. There are two top prizes. One will definitely be awarded. The other is identical, but is a personal challenge to one person in the plan. If she doesn't earn it, no one gets it. The prize is worth thousands of dollars, too. All together, the rest of the prizes tally well over a grand or two and it might be more, because I don't remember them all--there are just too many. So if health doesn't motivate you, and vanity doesn't motivate you--hell's bells: what about sheer greed? I thought money motivated everyone.

Okay. There are some people who, for medical reasons, had to drop out. That's very different and everyone knows that, although not everyone could have predicted it. But those who dropped out because they'd rather eat the way they always have, lost an opportunity they will never have again. I'm not giving up hope for them, though, because the time will come when some of them decide they can't go on living the way they're living now. They'll have their own epiphanies, and take off the weight, changing their lives. Others will not be as fortunate.

I feel bad for him. Though he's said a hundred times that he blogs for himself--and I believe that's true--I believe he also wants to help as many people as he can to get to their goals, succeed at something they've only dreamed of all their lives, and give them the opportunity to finally find real hope and ultimately, success. He has a huge heart, great humanity, and a remarkable generosity.

Only about half remain in the Challenge. I guarantee you he's disappointed. I'd be angry, at least for a little while. Different personalities, I guess.

Maybe you shouldn't give people things. It's like lending a friend money. That's the last time you'll see them because they don't want to pay it back. If they do want to pay it back, yet can't afford it, they disappear out of embarrassment. Either way, they're gone. Same with the Challenge people. They were given a huge amount, all for free. They can't pay it back with weight loss, so they've flown the coop. But 36 remain. Those 36 are a badge of honor, and are honorable themselves.

I've wandered far afield here, but I had to get some of this off my chest. I should have only said: Those who left the Challenge for real reasons. . . I'm sorry you're sick, and hope you get better (if possible) as soon as you can. Those who left because they couldn hack it. . . you lost a once in a lifetime opportunity. Those who've remained in the Challenge. . . no matter how much nor how little you've lost, you're honorable, hard-working people. You made a commitment and you're sticking to it. Fabulous!

And Allen? He's a great, great, guy.

Nothing much.

I called my therapist at 4:30 this morning and cancelled. I was up late with GI stuff and hardly got any sleep. But the real reason is that I just didn't want to see him. At the next visit (when I'll have to pay for today, too), I'm going to confront him about the things he said--mean things, imo--about my body and my anorexia. I'll tell him as well that it not only didn't help, it made me spiral downward into a funk, which isn't what I see him for. If he rejects what I have to say, I'm going to stop seeing him. We've done very good work on other issues, and he's been a tremendous help. But he's too close emotionally to EDs because of his mother's bulimia to be of any help with me. It's going to be difficult to do, which is why I'm waiting until the next appointment, scheduled during spring break. I'll have several days to recover, if I need them. So that's that.

Sorry I made this all about me this morning. I'll do some reading tonight and get back to you then or tomorrow morning.