A co-worker of mine had some lint stuck to his sweater today. I plucked it off, then noticed it was a little letter "R," which I found to be odd. I showed it to him, then noticed my hand--my fingers in particular. The skin around my nails, not the cuticle, was flaking off. My once-beautiful nails were thin, weak, and flaking off. Then I looked in the mirror when I went to the restroom. The skin on my forehead was flaking off. The skin on my shinbones, too. Nearly everywhere on my body, I have flaky skin and I have dried-out, fragile, nails.
The worst is my dry hair, and it's falling out. It was once thick as my wrist, longer than waist-length, and full of body and waves/curls. Now it's thin, lank, dry, and straight.
Fat women have lush, gorgeous hair, and soft, moist, skin. They do perfect manicures on their beautiful finger and toenails, and look pretty.
Next time you see a size 0 or 2 walk by, and wish you could be that thin so that you could wear any clothes you wanted to, and could buy clothes on sale because those sizes are always left on the rack, think about this. Think about wearing those clothes with sparse eyebrows and eyelashes that makeup can't hide. Think about brittle, dry hair that breaks off and falls out. How good do you think you'll look in those clothes then?
There's a happy medium between these two eating disorders and it's called healthy. It's called normal. Your hair is beautiful and you wear a size 8 or 10 or 12. You're neither hot nor cold all the time--the temperature indoors is just right. You don't think about what you're going to have for supper when it's only 6 a.m. You don't feel nauseated if you have two potato chips. Food isn't on your mind constantly. That's what healthy is.
Does this make sense?
I've always dealt with dry everything and my hair falls out to much. And I'm big. Does this get worse? Ugh...
ReplyDeleteWearing a size 8, 10 or 12 even a 14 sounds nice. :) I don't know if there is a true normal though. I suppose it's all about perspective. I know to many non-healthy thin people. So I laugh when I hear thin = healthy or normal.
As for eating disorders I hear ya. Some where there should be a middle. I'm trying to find it. I guess what scares me the most is finding it. Make sense? I'm scared going in either direction for fear I will revisit the insanity of either side of the spectrum. Just slip and slide right into oblivion. I'm a closet eater - coming out this month with 28 days of exposure.
Is this something you do as well?
Twix, welcome. I can't WAIT to read your blogs.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right about thin equating to healthy, but I've been reading only obesity blogs. Everyone is eating vegetables and exercising, which makes me feel very lazy. I'm sorry you're doing the dry skin/hair thing even though you're big. Tell me, does lotion work on your skin? If so, could you recommend one for me? (Girl tips, lol.)
Yes, it makes total sense to me that you fear slipping into "oblivion." This round of anorexia started with a simple weight reduction diet. I don't know if former (always?) anorexics should be allowed to diet without medical care. I just fell into it. Please, don't let that happen to you.
Yes, I closet ate. Not in a long time, but I think I was pretty good at it. Now I closet don't eat.
Tell me more about coming out. That's brave of you, and is of GREAT interest to me. What made you do that? If I'm prying, slap me.
It makes total sense ! Sometimes we do focus on the size of people and forget all the "disadvantages" that come with it. Healthy is the way to go !!
ReplyDeleteI have been a closet eater since I was small (little kid). It just came as a revelation to me this past week that I do it becuase of some sort of sense of shame. It's interesting too, that the same incident in my life also caused me to disassociate from myself and helped set up patterns of continued disassociation. I just recently linked the eating disordered thing to it. Like a light bulb that went off. And I'm glad because in one way it helps to set me free.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I have problems talking about, acknowledging, is I was hospitalized for 80+ days 22 years ago for what your diagnosis is now. I think a lot of eating disorders share common ground. I was eating disordered then and now. I wonder if we will ever be free? I'm trying. :)
I use lots of lotion - doesn't help at all. I also have thyroid problems. So that might be some of it. I'm diagnosed as Grave's but I think that diagnosis might possibly be wrong as physically I don't fit that description much - I do have pretibial myexdemia. And the majority of the women in my family test postive for both Grave's and Hashimoto's and they swing between the two depending upon the current agitation of antibodies. weird stuff
I'm coming out because I'm hoping it helps me confront the why I do it. And I think it has.
Thanks for stopping over at my place. :)
Welcome, Elle. I'm now officially following your blog. It's so professional--excellent job! I'll be commenting over there because your last entry is fascinating.
ReplyDeleteYes, good health is the way. I think you can be overweight and healthy, by the way, just not obese and healthy. You can be thin and unhealthy, absolutely. And have lousy hair. :~)
Twix, you have both Graves' and Hashimoto's thyroid diseases? I didn't know you could have both at once. That's awful. I'm very sorry to hear that. Gee, your luck stinks. I'll be that's why your skin and hair are acting up, though. Thyroid disease seriously messes up your whole system.
ReplyDeleteI'm also sorry to hear that you were hospitalized over three weeks for my ED when you were young(er). What a scary thing to have happen to you. But there you go--from one extreme to the other, each ED a reflection of the other.
I hear and recognize your pain, and will be thinking of your today.