I made a decision, and it was terribly difficult.

Since I already knew that stress could trigger all of the medical problems I'm having, I tried my best this summer to do meditation, creative visualization, relaxation exercises, and so on, in order to help heal. But there was always the Aug. 10 deadline in my mind--the first day of our returning to work. I had to be better by then. Since Chick had  no job nor health insurance, it was up to me. I was just desperate to go into remission from everything by now. But such was not to be. In fact, today I'm having a worse flare than for the previous two or three weeks.

I saw my therapist Friday. He saw that I could barely walk, and the look of severe pain on my face. He saw my extreme fatigue. Finally, he asked if I were going to call my docs to obtain medical support for a medical leave of absence. I didn't answer. I just couldn't bring myself to give up. So we talked for a while, and I knew I had to do it. So I called the GI specialist's and left a message; sent an email to my family doc, and sent an email to my principal to tell them I needed a medical leave. My principal has no clue whatsoever that I've been ill in any way, and I'm not giving her much time to scramble for coverage. I've been checking in to things meantime. I don't qualify for state disability because since they cut my hours back at work to save money, I didn't make enough in the past 12 months. However, if I get an FMLA leave, my employer has to hold my job open for me and pay my health insurance premiums for three months. If I can get better in that amount of time, everything will be fine. If not? We're screwed.

I'm in a lot of pain today. On a scale of 1-10, it's about an 8 or 8.5. Obviously, nothing but narcotics can eradicate that level, but so far, I'm refusing. I might have to take something so that I can get some sleep, though, if I'm not waking up twice an hour to go to the bathroom. 

Yes, more whining. Part of me, once I made the decision to take the leave, felt as though the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. Another part is scared. The one who's talking to you right now is extremely sad. 

Here's hoping that tomorrow I'll be in a better mood for you guys.

Briefly, I had a hankering for what I call my Greek Pasta salad. Pasta, seeded tomatoes cut into strips, Kalamata olives, feta cheese, artichoke hearts, red onion, and a dressing of olive oil/sunflower oil with basil and oregano. I made it yesterday and ate two servings today. I still have a bunch left over. It's not as low-fiber as it should be, but it's close. I had to leave out some of the things I wanted due to fiber, but it still tastes great. Any other olive and feta fans out there? Come on over and we'll share.

Hi, guys.

I don't know how many of you still have links to my blog. I wouldn't blame you if you've dumped me, but I'm going to try to briefly catch you up on what's been going on.

I believe I told you that they were quite suspicious that I had colon cancer. Finally they diagnosed me as having ulcerative colitis (UC), a chronic, serious, irritable bowel disease (IBD). It has been life-changing. It's not caused by stress; however, it's made worse by stress. I think that's why it started to flare up before the summer break, when I was having so much trouble at work. I haven't needed any more transfusions lately, but they'll do at least one if my severely bad anemia doesn't improve by August 15.

They tested for everything. Celiac disease; gluten intolerance; a whole host of food allergies, parasites and bacterial infections, and so on. All were negative. They guessed it was Crohn's Disease before the biopsies came back. I don't know which would be worse to have. It's kind of crazy to try to compare illnesses, don't you think?

They want me to gain 10 to 20 pounds. I've tried. There's no way to tell if my gain of nearly 10 pounds is fat or water. My edema is horrible. In the middle of my right leg, I sprung a leak, so to speak, and water runs down my leg constantly, soaking my shoe. I was protein deficient, so I've had to push it, and have been successful with that. But it might be weeks before the swelling goes down.

The beginning of fall semester is close at hand, and it seems as though unless there's a miracle, I won't be able to make it. I'm a nervous wreck. We need the money badly, and the health insurance even more. Under federal law, we're allowed to pay for health insurance ourselves for 18 months. That will pretty well destroy what little savings we have. Oh, well. This has happened twice before during our marriage, which is why it seems as though we'll never be able to retire. We'll just have to get over it.

Then I got excruciating pain in my left groin and where my femur joins my hip socket. This started over a week ago. Some days it was better, so I figured I'd strained or pulled a muscle somehow. As it turns out, it's arthritis. I've always had a little osteoarthritis there, but it never was debilitating, and NEVER caused this kind of pain. I can barely walk. So my health has kind of fucked up my whole summer. My great and good spouse has driven me all over god's creation to doctors and tests, plus cooked for me and otherwise taken so much care of me. He's a saint, I think.

I've been, therefore, in lots of pain. I put myself on a high protein, high calorie, low fiber, low residue diet. I figured that if I could "rest" my bowel, it would have some time to heal and throw me into a remission. When I saw the dietician, she said I'd developed a terrific eating plan, and only gave me a few tips to add. She also said I don't need to see her again unless some problem comes up. It was nice to be supported and listened to.

I think that's pretty much it on the health front.

I'm so disappointed that Allan no longer blogs. I very much looked forward to reading his blog at least until the end of Phase Six. He inspired me, and so many others. I hope that he changes his mind at some point. I miss him terribly.

I've been so sick that I haven't even been able to keep up with your blogs, but started today. It'll take a while, that's for sure, but will be worth it. 

I'm going to give it my best to write daily or at least every other day. Oh! I cut my hair, or rather Chick cut it. It's only to my shoulders. I'd had it to my waist, then to mid-back, then bra strap length, and now as short as I'll take it. I look awful with short hair. 

Okay. I just wanted to let you know I'm back; what's been happening with my health, etc. I'm very happy about reading you guys again! I hope to find out that you're doing well and are happy. xo

Update

Things have been rather awful around here. First, I had no modem for two weeks. Then we had a huge party to cater (over 1,000, and just the three of us!). Two days later, I fell, one thing led to another, and I went to the ER. They gave me a liter of saline and two pints of blood. Chef was with me the full 12 hours of the ordeal. My treatment in the ER was simply horrible. I signed myself out against doctor's orders and went home.

Four hours later, Chef received a phone call to come in. He suspected what would happen, and he was right. After doing the party for them, and their knowing he was doing all that work from Wednesday to prep (he started work Thursday at midnight and continued through Saturday and Sunday, they let him go. They said he could make them as much money as an outside corporation could make for them. So after 13 years, it was a business decision. He doesn't mind, actually--he understands business decisions. If they'd said his food was bad, he would have been extremely upset.

I got my modem, but then my computer died. How can this timing be more awful? So I ordered a Dell model I was familiar with over the phone. It has to be built, so I have to wait until July 6 (at the earliest) for it to arrive, and who knows how long to set it up, migrate data, etc. I'm so angry.

I have to have an emergency colonoscopy on Thursday. The urgency of it has me scared beyond scared. We all know what that can mean.

I'm borrowing a computer right now just to keep you up to date. I doubt I'll be able to do so again unless a miracle of computers occurs.

Take it easy; I've been thinking of all of you every day.

Embarrassed, profound apology.

I don't know what to say except that I'm terribly sorry for not posting and keeping this up-to-date. It's rude, and I'm not carrying my load. I think of you all as friends now, and one doesn't leave friends without saying a word. I can only hope that you forgive me.

There are lots of explanations why, but no excuse. I won't get into it, except to say that both mental and physical health were shot. I'm exhausted right now, but need to make contact with you guys. I think that will make me better.

Only nine more days of the semester to go, then off for the summer. A lot of people think that faculty at schools get paid for these breaks, but we're not. Still, I'd rather pinch pennies than work all year round. I doubt I could do this job if I didn't get the breaks I get. I've been working full time recently because my coworker just up and quit, so they asked me to do that, and offered me a full time contract for next year! I'm thrilled at finally being able to live without all those money problems all the time and the real fear that we'll never be able to retire. My salary/hours have been cut 50% over the past few years, and my husband's 20%. We've needed to use up savings to make it. I kept the job because mentally/physically, I just can't do it without breaks.

Too much boring info. Enough of that.

Discover magazine has an article on brain function and obesity this month which has been eye-opening for me. If true, I'm not happy, at least for dieters. People who've had gastric bypasses/bariatric surgery are in good luck here, as long as certain surgical procedures are followed. I'm definitely going to get into this with you, because I'd love your opinions. 

Thanks, Princess, for the inquiry on how I'm doing. My spam catcher caught it, and since I haven't been reading, I didn't see it. I caught up with Allan today, and everyone else later. I'm excited that he and Sue are going to have a child to care for. I don't know if that means adoption or fostering, but it's an incredibly life-changing event. His weight loss has wrought tremendous alterations in his life. Were it me, I'd wait a bit to catch my breath, but he's a type A kind of guy. Want it? Do it. Do it now.

I should think up a pseudonym for my husband, don't you think? It might be Chick, since that was his nickname all his life until we moved cross-country. Does that resonate with you guys?

I didn't finish out my blogging class; just didn't have the time or energy to do it. I'm going to sign up for the next summertime class, when I have the time to devote attention to it. Yes, I've wasted money, but live and learn. When am I ever going to learn, hmmm?

Please forgive me, my friends. I'll do my ultimate best never to let something like this happen again unless I'm in the hospital or something like that. I'll teach Chick how to get here. He's never been on a website before in his life, so that should be interesting.

Take care and I hope to see you again tonight or tomorrow night.

Update

Oh, kids, it's a mess. I wanted to see my doctor last week while I was off on break, but he was on vacation. He's back in the office tomorrow, so I'll see him then. The IBS is no better, and now I have pitting edema in my legs. The last time I had this, it was from anemia, which I do have, based on my most recent blood tests. So I'm sure he'll Rx iron again. I'm gaining weight, and it could be from water, but you know how upsetting that can be to someone like me.

Caron, I watched the Oprah episode on OWN through my PC--thank you! I only wish they were all available on line, because I won't be able to watch them in real time. Bummer. I see that the leader of the program believes as I do, that all of the disorders are the same under the skin, from obesity to AN, BED, COE, BN, BED, EDNOS, etc. I hope this show changes some minds about the whole subject regarding that. She did mention that it was a controversial belief.

I have over 2000 emails in my home inbox, and lord knows how many at work. I'm just so behind in everything. I have to let the stress go or it'll make everything worse, especially the IBS.

But I'm okay. Don't worry--I'm doing fine. I appreciate your concern more than you can know. Thank you for being there for me.

I hope everyone had a good holiday, if you celebrate one, and a good weekend in general. Take care, my friends.

Obesity and eating disorders; odds and ends.

I bought a domain: obesityandeatingdisorders.com. I'm taking a class on learning how to blog. I want to set this puppy up and go with it once I know what I'm doing. My hope is that some of you will be willing to be interviewed after it gets underway--by first name only or pseudonym--and anorexics, bingers, bulimics, et al. It's kind of scary to think about it, but I've been thinking about it for a while.

You might ask where I'm going to get the time to do this, since I haven't been here in so long. I have a confession to make which is a little embarrassing. It seems I've developed irritable bowel syndrome (IBS, not irritable bowel disease, IBD). It won't kill me, and it might go into remission, but for the last two months it's been getting slowly worse and worse. I'm now having diarrhea up to 20 or more times a day. I never had this before.

I had three minor accidents at work last week, and am terrified it's going to get worse. My best friend is coming to visit tomorrow for the first time in a long time (he lives across the country) and I can't leave the house to go out to dinner, or go for a ride, or do anything. I have to be near a toilet at all times.

I have some medicine which helps a little bit. I'm scared to death about next year, working full time again. What will I do if it doesn't go into remission? Apparently, stress is a big trigger. Oh, good. Just what I need.

I'll get back here to write about the things I've been reading--I hope tonight. I'm on spring break, so it should be more relaxing for me. I must get my nerves under control. I'm going to write here first, before reading all of your blogs, then read your blogs, getting caught up, and commenting. I miss it here among my comrades in the ED battle.

I had a talk with my therapist about the things that were bothering me, and which had led me not to trust him anymore. At first, he tried to explain why he'd said those things. I said that's all very well and good, but I'm not here to listen to your reasons. I'm here to tell you how what you said made me feel, how harsh and cruel they were, and how you must tailor your therapeutic style to your patient. You said I was the sickest you'd ever seen me? Then why did you choose that moment to kick me when I was down? Did you think that would help? The sickest you ever saw me? That takes a lot of nerve. And I went on about it until I was sure he "got" it. He seemed to be stunned. He apologized pro forma. I said that wouldn't do. He had to understand the damage he'd done. That I'd been coming to see him with dread and mistrust, and I wasn't going to do that anymore.

He apologized sincerely--twice--after we talked about it for a while. He said it must have been hard to confront him so solidly, with no apologies for my side of it, as I usually do. I told him that if I'd learned anything from him over the years, it was how to set boundaries and get what I need out of people. Yes, it was difficult; however, I wasn't willing to give up on something I'd worked so hard on with someone I'd gotten to know well over a few bad sessions. If I had to, I certainly would. But I'd rather put some effort into it and see if I could make it work.

That worked out, then. We'll see what happens in the future. He's been put on notice I won't tolerate attacks--and I told him that's how I saw his statements--and if I have to leave, I'll leave. But I didn't think that with new understanding and willingness to work on both our parts that would have to happen.

He said he really cares about me, as a person, not just as a patient. And he was honestly afraid I would become ill as a result of my extreme weight loss. We discussed the physical problems I've had over it, and how they'll get worse with the IBS. I'm not allowed to eat anything with a lot of fiber (fruits and vegetables), peas, corn, most beans, whole grains (I sometimes ignore this and eat rye bread.). I'm limited to meat and starch. . . a very bad diet, to my mind. My doc says this is temporary, just until the inflammation quiets down. If I eat anything, even a piece of bread, it triggers an episode. So when I work second shift, I get up around 7 a.m. and don't have a thing to eat until 4 p.m. when I get home. Then I spend the rest of the night on the pot, unable to sleep. The next day, I work from 7 - 11:30, having been up all night, and don't eat anything until I get home at noon. It's not a good way to live.

My ankles are swollen again with pitting edema. That frequently happens when my anemia is bad. I'm gaining a pound a day as a result. I'm going to write to my doc to see if he wants me to take the diuretic again. I don't want to, but I know that pitting edema can be dangerous.

IOW, I'm a mess! I apologize for going on here, but it's really helping me to get this off my chest. Sharing--or more accurately, whining to you guys--really helps me sometimes, and it's helping now.

I've had some fun, though. Baked a loaf of Italian sesame bread, shaped into a braid. It's not only pretty, it tastes great. I left the seeds off due to the fiber. I'm going to have a piece when I get back from the dentist today. I'm going to make my superb (hah!) meatloaf when I get back, too, with roasted potatoes. I hate to brag, but due to experience and study, plus being married to a chef and having an expert cook in my gram, I'm an excellent cook. But I am one lousy baker, lol. Learning to bake is my new hobby and it's so much fun. A lot of my baked stuff ends up in the garbage can, I admit it. But my focus is breads, and there, I'm doing pretty well. My sweets just don't do it, unless they're yeast-based, such as cinnamon rolls. I need a mixer and a good oven, but we rent, so we have to deal with what we have, which is typical landlord junk. I have to call an oven repairman. One of our burners, the one I use most often, is out. Maybe he'll be able to calibrate the temp in the oven. That will be difficult, so I might not bother. She didn't even buy a self-cleaning oven, and it's 2011! I'll sure bet she has one. How cheap she can be. She goes on about what good tenants we are, and how we never ask for anything, etc. What's the point? We just pay for it ourselves.

Okay. I'm done whining. Thanks so much for listening. It means a lot to me.

Super quickie.

I'm at work, and hate to write from here. My phone and internet have been down for a couple of days now, so I haven't been able to post. It's supposed to get fixed tonight, so I hope to write tonight or tomorrow. I've been sad not to have my internet and be able to read what you've written and keep up with you guys!

Take care of yourselves and I miss you. I've gotten some reading time in, though, so that's good.