Obesity and eating disorders; odds and ends.

I bought a domain: obesityandeatingdisorders.com. I'm taking a class on learning how to blog. I want to set this puppy up and go with it once I know what I'm doing. My hope is that some of you will be willing to be interviewed after it gets underway--by first name only or pseudonym--and anorexics, bingers, bulimics, et al. It's kind of scary to think about it, but I've been thinking about it for a while.

You might ask where I'm going to get the time to do this, since I haven't been here in so long. I have a confession to make which is a little embarrassing. It seems I've developed irritable bowel syndrome (IBS, not irritable bowel disease, IBD). It won't kill me, and it might go into remission, but for the last two months it's been getting slowly worse and worse. I'm now having diarrhea up to 20 or more times a day. I never had this before.

I had three minor accidents at work last week, and am terrified it's going to get worse. My best friend is coming to visit tomorrow for the first time in a long time (he lives across the country) and I can't leave the house to go out to dinner, or go for a ride, or do anything. I have to be near a toilet at all times.

I have some medicine which helps a little bit. I'm scared to death about next year, working full time again. What will I do if it doesn't go into remission? Apparently, stress is a big trigger. Oh, good. Just what I need.

I'll get back here to write about the things I've been reading--I hope tonight. I'm on spring break, so it should be more relaxing for me. I must get my nerves under control. I'm going to write here first, before reading all of your blogs, then read your blogs, getting caught up, and commenting. I miss it here among my comrades in the ED battle.

I had a talk with my therapist about the things that were bothering me, and which had led me not to trust him anymore. At first, he tried to explain why he'd said those things. I said that's all very well and good, but I'm not here to listen to your reasons. I'm here to tell you how what you said made me feel, how harsh and cruel they were, and how you must tailor your therapeutic style to your patient. You said I was the sickest you'd ever seen me? Then why did you choose that moment to kick me when I was down? Did you think that would help? The sickest you ever saw me? That takes a lot of nerve. And I went on about it until I was sure he "got" it. He seemed to be stunned. He apologized pro forma. I said that wouldn't do. He had to understand the damage he'd done. That I'd been coming to see him with dread and mistrust, and I wasn't going to do that anymore.

He apologized sincerely--twice--after we talked about it for a while. He said it must have been hard to confront him so solidly, with no apologies for my side of it, as I usually do. I told him that if I'd learned anything from him over the years, it was how to set boundaries and get what I need out of people. Yes, it was difficult; however, I wasn't willing to give up on something I'd worked so hard on with someone I'd gotten to know well over a few bad sessions. If I had to, I certainly would. But I'd rather put some effort into it and see if I could make it work.

That worked out, then. We'll see what happens in the future. He's been put on notice I won't tolerate attacks--and I told him that's how I saw his statements--and if I have to leave, I'll leave. But I didn't think that with new understanding and willingness to work on both our parts that would have to happen.

He said he really cares about me, as a person, not just as a patient. And he was honestly afraid I would become ill as a result of my extreme weight loss. We discussed the physical problems I've had over it, and how they'll get worse with the IBS. I'm not allowed to eat anything with a lot of fiber (fruits and vegetables), peas, corn, most beans, whole grains (I sometimes ignore this and eat rye bread.). I'm limited to meat and starch. . . a very bad diet, to my mind. My doc says this is temporary, just until the inflammation quiets down. If I eat anything, even a piece of bread, it triggers an episode. So when I work second shift, I get up around 7 a.m. and don't have a thing to eat until 4 p.m. when I get home. Then I spend the rest of the night on the pot, unable to sleep. The next day, I work from 7 - 11:30, having been up all night, and don't eat anything until I get home at noon. It's not a good way to live.

My ankles are swollen again with pitting edema. That frequently happens when my anemia is bad. I'm gaining a pound a day as a result. I'm going to write to my doc to see if he wants me to take the diuretic again. I don't want to, but I know that pitting edema can be dangerous.

IOW, I'm a mess! I apologize for going on here, but it's really helping me to get this off my chest. Sharing--or more accurately, whining to you guys--really helps me sometimes, and it's helping now.

I've had some fun, though. Baked a loaf of Italian sesame bread, shaped into a braid. It's not only pretty, it tastes great. I left the seeds off due to the fiber. I'm going to have a piece when I get back from the dentist today. I'm going to make my superb (hah!) meatloaf when I get back, too, with roasted potatoes. I hate to brag, but due to experience and study, plus being married to a chef and having an expert cook in my gram, I'm an excellent cook. But I am one lousy baker, lol. Learning to bake is my new hobby and it's so much fun. A lot of my baked stuff ends up in the garbage can, I admit it. But my focus is breads, and there, I'm doing pretty well. My sweets just don't do it, unless they're yeast-based, such as cinnamon rolls. I need a mixer and a good oven, but we rent, so we have to deal with what we have, which is typical landlord junk. I have to call an oven repairman. One of our burners, the one I use most often, is out. Maybe he'll be able to calibrate the temp in the oven. That will be difficult, so I might not bother. She didn't even buy a self-cleaning oven, and it's 2011! I'll sure bet she has one. How cheap she can be. She goes on about what good tenants we are, and how we never ask for anything, etc. What's the point? We just pay for it ourselves.

Okay. I'm done whining. Thanks so much for listening. It means a lot to me.