Since I already knew that stress could trigger all of the medical problems I'm having, I tried my best this summer to do meditation, creative visualization, relaxation exercises, and so on, in order to help heal. But there was always the Aug. 10 deadline in my mind--the first day of our returning to work. I had to be better by then. Since Chick had no job nor health insurance, it was up to me. I was just desperate to go into remission from everything by now. But such was not to be. In fact, today I'm having a worse flare than for the previous two or three weeks.
I saw my therapist Friday. He saw that I could barely walk, and the look of severe pain on my face. He saw my extreme fatigue. Finally, he asked if I were going to call my docs to obtain medical support for a medical leave of absence. I didn't answer. I just couldn't bring myself to give up. So we talked for a while, and I knew I had to do it. So I called the GI specialist's and left a message; sent an email to my family doc, and sent an email to my principal to tell them I needed a medical leave. My principal has no clue whatsoever that I've been ill in any way, and I'm not giving her much time to scramble for coverage. I've been checking in to things meantime. I don't qualify for state disability because since they cut my hours back at work to save money, I didn't make enough in the past 12 months. However, if I get an FMLA leave, my employer has to hold my job open for me and pay my health insurance premiums for three months. If I can get better in that amount of time, everything will be fine. If not? We're screwed.
I'm in a lot of pain today. On a scale of 1-10, it's about an 8 or 8.5. Obviously, nothing but narcotics can eradicate that level, but so far, I'm refusing. I might have to take something so that I can get some sleep, though, if I'm not waking up twice an hour to go to the bathroom.
Yes, more whining. Part of me, once I made the decision to take the leave, felt as though the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. Another part is scared. The one who's talking to you right now is extremely sad.
Here's hoping that tomorrow I'll be in a better mood for you guys.
Briefly, I had a hankering for what I call my Greek Pasta salad. Pasta, seeded tomatoes cut into strips, Kalamata olives, feta cheese, artichoke hearts, red onion, and a dressing of olive oil/sunflower oil with basil and oregano. I made it yesterday and ate two servings today. I still have a bunch left over. It's not as low-fiber as it should be, but it's close. I had to leave out some of the things I wanted due to fiber, but it still tastes great. Any other olive and feta fans out there? Come on over and we'll share.
I think you should go to an OA meeting and talk with people who share your spiritual pain. This is a spiritual problem because it seems you have done everything you can do medically. At OA you will find complete acceptance and understanding - no judging or arrogance. You can be yourself and say whatever necessary to relieve yourself of the burden that is making you sick. The people at OA have hit bottom and so they understand the struggle to overcome. Don't worry about religion. Religion and spirituality are not the same thing.
ReplyDeleteI make the same salad, minus the artichokes, but plus lots of parsley. It's awesome.
ReplyDeleteI checked your blog a number of times to see how you were doing and am glad to see you're back, though sad to hear what you're going through.
No suggestions, no advice (even well-meaning). Just thinking of you.
Food Freak, I'm sorry you were forced to make such a tough decision. I know kind of how you are feeling. I have decided to take a leave of absence from school and that was hard for me to decide as well. I have to be honest with myself and realize that I'm just not up to the stress of the classes. I feel weak, like a failure but I can only hope that one day I will be back to myself and able to get back to school. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping you are well before your medical leave runs out. I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteI make Greek omelets a few times a week. I adore the combo of feta/olives/tomatoes. Tomatoes can give me a reaction (joint pain, rashes) in concentration (sauces, salsa), but fresh makes for less pain.
ReplyDeleteSweetie, you're not whining. You're expressing real fears, sufferings, worries. You are probably doing something really therapeutic in just venting it here, where people care and want to see you well, but can't make any other demands on you. We're safe, right? :)
I pray the healing to come over you. I pray that peace will come over you, like a soft rain, cleansing away all pain and worries. I pray that you will find calm and centering and be able to make that August 10 day, feeling better, feeling stronger, feeling capable, feeling freer. God bless you tenfold today with many graces.
Please keep updating. When you go silent, some of us get worried.
Oh, and i know the leave is a good decision now, but I'm gonna believe you'll feel good by the 10th. Hubby says I'm too optimistic sometimes, but I figure that if I"m gonna hope and pray, I hope and pray BIG. :D
ReplyDeleteYou have to do what you have to do - you are your #1 priority. Hang in there babe.
ReplyDeleteOh FF! I've wondered if you were going to come back - was really getting worried about you! I'm so sorry to hear about the troubles you're going through and hope everything turns out ok. Please keep us posted and don't vanish like that again!
ReplyDeletedownsizers, it's interesting that you mention OA. A close internet friend is a long-time member and had mentioned it to me when my only problem was anorexia. I never knew they handled any ED, not just compulsive eating. I went to their website and saw that they had pamphlets for anorexics! Maybe they should put that in their outreach material.
ReplyDeleteI looked up local meetings at a church that's in walking distance from me (if I could walk and wanted to go). They've just added a specialized meeting for anorexics and bulimics a month or two ago!! How is that for timing?
NewMe, thank you for your good wishes. I would never have predicted you'd still be interested in me.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great idea about the parsley for the salad. Lots of nutrition and a fresh taste--I never would have thought of it myself, which may sound odd, but it's true.
It's good to see you again.
Karen, you will NEVER, EVER, be weak!!! You are one of the women I most admire ever on line. I feel proud to have been able to get to know you better through your blog. You're special and strong--don't speak ill of yourself (I know that's the disease talking, though). If you continue to be down on yourself, I'll have to fly to your house and smack you, because you'll be being mean to my buddy!! lol
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you took a leave from school. I hope you get well enough to go back when you're ready, because it means so much to you. It'll happen in its own time, I'm sure of it.
And thank you for your get well wishes. I'm hoping I'm better soon.
PD, thanks SUPER much for your prayer. I felt warm love pouring over me as I read it. You're a deeply spiritual woman, which is part of your dynamism. I saw your recent photos--you look fabulous! It's coming along just fine for you, isn't it? YAY!
ReplyDeleteI'm still reading your blog, but am almost completely caught up. I'll get there.
Drazil, thanks for coming by. You write the funniest blog, ever. I finished catching up with you and hope that everything goes well. I'd love to be a fly on the wall at your house sometimes. Laughter is indeed the best medicine.
ReplyDeleteI keep meaning to take part in the BYOC on Fridays. Maybe I can give myself a kick in the ass this week and start getting with the program.
Laura, it hit my heart that you worried about me. Please don't! Sometimes I'm inconsiderate and forget that we don't belong solely to ourselves, and can't be responsible to only ourselves. We belong to everyone in our lives. When we think of others and how they feel, that's when we're living righteously.
ReplyDeleteI promise I'll continue to check in when I'm not a mess, if only for a few words. (When have I EVER not gone on too long???) Thank you for your thoughts and I hope things go beautifully for you.