I called my therapist at 4:30 this morning and cancelled. I was up late with GI stuff and hardly got any sleep. But the real reason is that I just didn't want to see him. At the next visit (when I'll have to pay for today, too), I'm going to confront him about the things he said--mean things, imo--about my body and my anorexia. I'll tell him as well that it not only didn't help, it made me spiral downward into a funk, which isn't what I see him for. If he rejects what I have to say, I'm going to stop seeing him. We've done very good work on other issues, and he's been a tremendous help. But he's too close emotionally to EDs because of his mother's bulimia to be of any help with me. It's going to be difficult to do, which is why I'm waiting until the next appointment, scheduled during spring break. I'll have several days to recover, if I need them. So that's that.
Sorry I made this all about me this morning. I'll do some reading tonight and get back to you then or tomorrow morning.
FF, you blog is supposed to be about you. I'm glad you cancelled the appointment. If the man doesn't understand you then he can't help you. I hope you are able to get through to him or find another therapist. Hugs. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is having problems with a therapist too. At $160 for 50 minutes, you really want to connect with them and tough love is not going to work for her. I hope you work out the problem with him or find another that will work better. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Karen - your blog should be for you, and the fact that it's public is so that we can support you! Just like you left those sweet comments on my blog - thanks for that.
ReplyDeleteI think your plan is spot on - if your therapist is being counterproductive to what you need and you don't confront him, it's hurting both you and HIM, as he needs to be mindful of this type of behavior in himself. My husband is studying now to become a counselor/therapist/whatever, and I know that if he found that he wasn't helping someone (and in fact was making them feel worse), that he'd want to do everything he could to set it right.
I hope you have a beautiful Friday dear! :)
You may be absolutely correct in your opinion that this therapist is not the right one for you. But, with all due respect, you may just want to find a way out of therapy period. As you yourself have said, you don't completely believe that you're anorexic.
ReplyDeleteI am not saying this to make you feel bad or to be unsupportive. I'm just trying to point out that we often have multiple reasons for doing what we do.
As always, I wish you the best and feel great concern for you.
Therapy is such a personal, intimate thing...so close to the bone..that it's key to have a therapist that is in sync and can actually work well with you. Do what is best.
ReplyDeleteThe only caveat I'd give is a consideration--which you being the schmart cookie you are already have, no doubt--not to run from someone being truthful as opposed to someone being insensitive or not-sympatico. We shouldn't run from truth...but we should run from someone who doesn't have the right style or personality or approach to assist us.
It's important to find the right therapist to get the right progress. Best with that, babe...
Uh, guys, I've been in therapy with this guy for ten years. I think I know him pretty well by now. His mother was bulimic. He, knowing the relationship of an anorexic to her body, trashed my body during one visit. How my chin was too pointed and looked like a Halloween witch's; how unattractive I am now, including sexually, and asked if my husband still found me so. How my breasts had gotten so small.
ReplyDeleteI know you think you're trying to help, but I have a brain. These are not normal things you say to any patient, let alone one whose body image is completely out of whack.
If you do think that's something suitable for a therapist to say under the guise of honesty, and that I'm running away from my diagnosis (though why I'm not running away from my psychiatrist or family doc is odd when viewed in that light), you and I will just have to disagree. Completely.
Karen, I always feel bad when I make my posts about me. But you guys do give me a lot of support and understanding of this issue, by nature, I'm sure, of your own disordered eating experiences. None of us has a particularly healthy relationship with food, most of us since childhood. I think we have a common meeting ground and I've been overwhelmed by the kindess I've been shown by people who are struggling with their own demons, you know? I also have used you guys as an example to open up as I did, since you do put yourselves out there in a very brave way.
Thanks for the understanding. Since today was a bad migraine day (again, damn it), I needed it more than usual. I'm a big chicken when it comes to pain.
Your therapist has violated the relationship. If I were in the position you are, I don't think I would be able to trust his methods ever again. It was unprofessional to talk to you about your body as he did. Perhaps your doctor could recommend a therapist better suited to your needs. Hope the headache is better. I answered your comment over at my place. Swing by on your way home.
ReplyDeletedownsizers, thanks for the heads up on answering my comment. And thanks for the answer, too. You have the heart of an artist, no matter what you say! :~)
ReplyDeleteThat's a good way to put it that I didn't think of: violated the relationship. I must see him at least one more time to discuss it. How he reacts will determine everything. I'd hate to leave over one thing after a decade, but it's a big thing, imo. I'll definitely talk about how it goes.
You shouldn't feel bad when you make your posts about you. It's all part of your experience, the experience you want to share, etc. It's just that it's not always from the books and the research. Sometimes it's from your own personal life. And it has just as much impact (if not more) as the information you share. I love to read what people go through (positive or negative) because I find it easier to relate to. So if you feel the need to share, go for it !!
ReplyDeleteAbout your therapist... girrrl, hum, he told you those things ? That must have hurt ! I felt the pain just by reading it. To hear such things from your THERAPIST ? That's very contradictory. Like WTH man, aren't you supposed to be helping here ??? I'm glad you're going to talk to him about it. I hope he takes it well so that you two can move together in the right direction. If you've been seeing him for 10 years, it will stink to have to start anew somewhere else, ya know ?
I wish you all the best !
As I was reading Elle's comment, I started wondering if there has been any progress in 10 years. Maybe a new therapist would have new methods or an attitude that would better serve you. It may be time for someone new.
ReplyDeleteYour therapist has behaved in an unprofessional way. What then, is keeping you with him?
ReplyDeleteHave you spoken to your psychiatrist about finding another therapist? Or with your GP?
Thanks, elle. It was so out of character, and said with such an odd...attitude? Odd tone of voice? I really can't define it or put my finger on what was different, but it was. It was like the man talking to me was someone I didn't know. Thank you, too, for understanding how much it hurt, because it did. It's like a safe place had suddenly turned dangerous. That's a pretty drama-infused statement, but it's the way I felt.
ReplyDeletedownsizers, there was tremendous progress in the beginning. The reason I can talk to my mother now, even after all the things she did (mostly to my sister); the way I am at work, and now have been invited to a promotion and full time work next fiscal year . . . so very many other things, have been made incredibly better. And the work part continued, right up until the anorexia diagnosis. That's when he started to get icy. When he took one session to tell me about his mother, and the effect it had on him as a boy hearing her vomit in the night, my heart went out to him, and I understood his pain at my disease. But don't take your pain out on me. I can only imagine what that did to the boy he was, but he chose a business to be in where he can't let his own demons affect his patients'. Does that make sense? If it weren't for all the great things that have come out of our relationship over the years, I'd have been long gone. I've "fired" therapists before--from after one visit, to one after five years! It's something I'm quite willing to do.
NewMe, I already told him that under no circumstances will I discuss my weight, body, food, or anything relating to them until I think some more. I've discussed the problem with my pdoc already and and set up an appointment see her two days before I see my therapist again. She has been investigating specialists in eating disorders for me and already located one she thought I'd like and whom she'd heard good things about the last time I was there. However, the pdoc said she'd check to see if this woman accepts people who don't want recovery yet. Some do, some don't. That has to be settled beforehand. She did tell me that the woman is a feminist, which excites me. It'd be the first time I've ever seen a professional who was, even though I am. My pdoc seems to be, but she isn't upfront about it and I've never asked since it hasn't mattered.
I'm sorry I brought this up. I probably shouldn't have.
NewMe, I don't think you realize how challenging you come across, as if I don't know what I'm doing, or am doing everything wrong. I think I've covered the bases pretty well, all things considered. You first assumed something negative--that I was fleeing from therapy--without even knowing me. Now you wonder why I've stayed (read what I wrote today for why). I'm doing my best to negotiate the waters of a tricky situation. I don't want to simply bail out on something that's been good for so long because I run into a snag. But I'm also proactive about getting things in place before I act. Seems sensible to me.
Well, then, I think you are doing the right thing to talk things over with him. You owe him that after all these years. Who knows, getting everything out on the table may well be good for both of you. You seem very rational about the whole thing and have a good handle on what needs to be done.
ReplyDeleteSorry I come across as challenging. That's just me. It doesn't mean I'm not deeply moved by your situation.
ReplyDeleteThanks, downsizers. I'm trying as much as I can to be fair to him, but fair to me, too. What you say--You owe him that after all these years--is something I agree with. We've been through the mill together. I've even been wondering if I could afford it, if I should continue seeing him for things other that my ED, and see a specialist just for that. That depends, too, on how he handles our talk. I'm so hoping that it works out well.
ReplyDeleteNewMe, thank you. I see what you mean, and it's a matter of personal style. "That's just [you]." Furthermore, we can't see each other, look into each other's eyes, see our body language, and all the other things we'd gain by a conversation in real life. I know for sure that I've done the same thing--come across much differently than I meant to. And in case I haven't said it before, I appreciate your support through this situation I'm in. It means a lot.