I've been meaning to post twice a day lately, but haven't gotten around to it. I will today. This blog keeps me sane. How odd that is. Is it the same for any of you? Some of you have written words to that effect, also how your blogs keep you on track with food.
My dear husband brought home a huge apple coffee cake yesterday. I ate a third of it, then had no supper. Aside from not taking in one bit of healthful nutrients, I felt like a thresher shark eating all that shit. I also had a piece of bread for breakfast. It was a starch festival. This morning, my waistband on my jeans was too tight. I don't think you can gain weight overnight, and certainly not on 2,000 calories when a normal person needs that to maintain their weight. But I feel as though I did, or at least am bloated up from it. Ugh. I'll make up for it over the next few days--also not a healthy thing to do.
I usually hate blogging about my personal eating, because I think it's of no interest at all to you. But I want to have a record of this in writing so that I don't forget. He wants me to gain weight, and knows that I've been craving sweets, so I swear he brought it home to sabotage me. That sounds awful, but I think it's true. I won't touch any of it today. If he doesn't finish it today, or at least put a big dent in it, I'm tossing it tonight.
I might delete this post. It's too boring. See you later, and have a good day, people.
FF, This post is not boring and I like too hear about your eating and your handling your cravings. It helps those of us who are in a similar boat with food issues. Don't think you are boring. ouo never know who out here is having a similar issue. I had Dail bring home some cheese danish last night because I let myself get too hungry to make good choices. I'm not happy with myself over it but so far I haven't done any damage on the scale or with my clothes. Still, this is the kind of slip that scares me. It would be so easy to get back into those bad habits. I swear it gets harder every day.
ReplyDeleteIf you're going to therapy, has your husband accompanied you there? Trying to get you to eat food that is not only frightening (i.e. high in calories) but also totally lacking in nutrients doesn't strike me as a successful strategy. Of course, starving yourself to "make up" for it isn't particularly helpful to your health either, but I'm sure that you already know that.
ReplyDeleteI thought maybe you could relate to this old post I wrote on my blog, about starving for weight loss. It's only one of many screwed up things I did to try to lose weight, only one example of many of my weird relationship with food.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.phoenixrevolution.net/archives/1164
Being fat doesn't mean I ate a lot. On the contrary. Eating Disorders put the whole world upside down. Everything you thought you knew about your body, weight loss, food, nutrition...it all becomes topsy turvy in an ED world.
Christine, thank you so very much for the link to your blog. It was moving, frightening, and suspenseful, all at once. If I prayed, I would have been praying for you all through it. I've never heard of such a thing--fasting 70 days and only losing three pounds?? By the Second Law of Thermodynamics, that's impossible. However, that Law only applies to closed systems, and the human body is an open one. That's the only reason I can see for such a bizarre outcome.
ReplyDeleteI've never known anyone who fasted that long and lived, even though you were taking in liquids. Is there any damage to your heart? I'd have been so scared. I do understand the lethargy and weakness, because I took in around 500 cal./day for many months, and it did the same thing mentally and physically to me, I think because it lasted so long. Now I take in twice that and only have mild thinking symptoms.
I so happy you didn't die. And I'm happy the surgery was the answer for you. It works by reducing intake, so why it worked when fasting didn't is beyond me.
You're so right that extremism is no answer, but you're talking to someone who's crazy when it comes to food, and also when it comes to other things. I won't go below 500 or so now.
Again, I thank you. You've given me a lot to think about. Yes, I'd say you have an ED (to put it mildly!). You must have one hell of a will.
NewMe, I didn't mean to give the impression that my DH does that often. This is the first time in months. Actually, since it's his favorite dessert, I was being harsh with him--he bought it for himself. I'm the one who didn't control myself. I just wish he hadn't done that. However, I can't ask him to stop eating what he likes just because I have an ED. I'm just suspicious of his motives sometimes, YKWIM?
ReplyDeleteMy therapist, IMO, is useless for my ED. If I had any guts at all, I'd go to someone different. But my pdoc, whom I see every six weeks, has a good handle on it. That's a good idea, to make an appointment for him or him and me to see her about it. I'm sure he'd go if I told him I needed him to. Or at the very least, he'd read about it. Here's the problem--I don't want to recover, so I don't want to give him the tools to help me do that. I'm sure you've read about anorexics who are in complete denial and refuse treatment. That's me. I might write here that I'm one, but I don't really believe I'm anorexic, as odd as that might sound to you. I think I'm just thin. That feeling comes and goes. If I weighed less, I probably would agree with all of these medical people who say I am. But not just now.
Thank you, though, for the food for thought. I seem to be getting that from you guys today, and I appreciate it.
I just read your unkind comment about me you posted on allan blog. Judgements and talking about people does not help you with your eating disorder. Please do all you can to make yourself a better person without beating down others or taking part in others being beating down people. No one deserves that. Not me, not you. good luck with everything.
ReplyDeleteKaren, I'm VERY sorry you're feeling low about it. You've had so much shit going on lately that it's no wonder at all why you turned to your "old friend" for comfort. Stress and grief together? How can you manage that without food? It can't happen overnight. It's a matter of retraining your brain, but we both know how hard that is, and you haven't had all that much time to do it. It'll be better in the future. You're just on wobbly ground right now. You'll never let yourself go too far again, I'm sure of it. At least not up. Down? Well, we'll see about that. You have to be careful.
ReplyDeleteThank you for soothing over my feelings about this blog entry. I was all set to delete it, but the comments were so good, I couldn't. Yours made me feel okay about it. I always trust your advice.
I can hear the pain in your voice when you swear it gets harder every day. It does seem that way, doesn't it? I have no idea why that's so. If only we knew, we'd bottle the answer and be millionaires.
Lisa, I don't know which comment you're referring to as "unkind." I wrote the truth after reading your blog--your words, not Allan's. Now that it's private, I won't know the words you use, so I won't comment anymore.
ReplyDeleteI don't write here or on Allan's to help me with my ED. If you read my blog, or even just the subtitle, you'll see what the purpose is, and that's for people with every ED to band together, and to classify obesity as a true ED. Read first, as I read yours, before you comment.