Thank you, blogging friends.

I feel good that I took the chance and posted yesterday about my ED. It made me feel cared about that you weren't turned off by my post. Thank you.

Part of what I felt I couldn't control in my life was work. It was a mess. They cut me back to half-time, which I could never in a million years live on. I could barely live on my full-time pay. They couldn't fire a bad employee for legal reasons so they put him in my department. In order to make room for him and not raise their employee expenses, they cut my hours. There was nothing I could do about it. And my supervisor was/is an ass. But guess what? Today they offered me full-time work again, starting next year. You probably understand what a huge difference this will make in my life financially. My savings have been decimated, so I'll be able to build them back up. I can't count on it until the papers are signed, and can't depend on its continuing every year, but for at least one year, I'll be safe.

I wonder if this will be enough to make me want recovery? Well, I doubt it very, very, much, even though it was one of the triggers. It's more complicated than that. But it will remove one of the most stressful parts of my life.

Notice that I'm recommending another blog on the right side: Never the Skinny Girl. I've been reading it for a while and think you'd like it. She's in the struggle with us.

I didn't eat all day until supper, when I had 1 1/2 cups of penne pasta with a light mushroom red sauce. I had half a can of Coke instead of coffee this morning (non-diet) and eight ounces of non-diet ginger ale at night to settle my migraine stomach. Artificial sweeteners are a migraine trigger for me (and many other people) so I don't drink diet soda. I don't know what my calories were today, but I suspect they were under my self-imposed limit of 900. Good.

I see one doctor tomorrow for my depression meds. She keeps track of my weight, too. I see my therapist Friday, the one whose mother was bulimic so he seems to hate people with EDs. In fact, he seems to hate anyone who doesn't participate in heavy-duty workouts, who are heavy, who are too thin, that is, anyone who isn't physically fit and medium weight. Sorry, dude, but you're leaving out a whole hell of a lot of people. I think he's bad for me, and others have told me that, too. But it's like I don't want to hurt his feelings by quitting him. I've been seeing him for years now, and don't think I have to go anymore. He, on the other hand, ever since I was diagnosed with anorexia, told me I'm the "sickest" he's ever seen me. I don't think you say things like that to patients.

And as you guys know, those of us with EDs are extremely sensitive about our bodies and what they look like. One session, he told me how bad I look, how my chin is pointy and unattractive, and more things like that!! I couldn't believe it. That's not the way to talk to someone you think is "sick." You go gently with them; take care of them, and treat them with respect.

Yeah, maybe it's time to cut this off and see someone else.

Okay. Enough about for me a while. I'll start posting from the research papers again. Take care and have a good, peaceful day tomorrow.

Some thoughts

I haven't posted to my blog in a few days because I've wanted to discuss my eating disorder and have been nervous about doing that. You know that I consider obese people my comrades in the fight to a healthy body, but I'm not sure everyone agrees, nor has understanding, nor sympathy for, anorexia nervosa. People--even laypeople--have the belief that it's only a matter of being thin, and that if we'd eat more, we'd be fine. That's the parallel to the obese. If only they'd just eat less, they could be okay.

Well it isn't that easy. Telling me to eat more is like telling you to eat less. If that were all there were to it, we'd all be of average weight.

People also have this belief that obesity is the opposite of anorexia. No it isn't. The opposite of obesity, and the opposite of anorexia, is normal.

Now, there is a good point in telling us to eat more or less. Yes, that will cure the problem. Moreover, that's a simple fact, and many people can do it. It's like quitting smoking--just don't put a cigarette in your mouth. I know that worked for me. I got it into my head that smoking was off the table, no matter what.

I think that attitude is needed in the fight against eating disorders. There are two big differences, however. Nicotine is a powerfully addictive drug, and food is not a drug. And you never have to smoke again, but you do have to eat every single day for the rest of your life. If I had to smoke, I'd be a chain smoker again. I'm a puff away from a pack a day.

Anyway, to get back on topic. I don't want to turn anyone off when I write about anorexia, bulimia, compulsive eating disorder, binge eating disorder, or eating disorder not otherwise specified. As I've said time and time again: we're in this boat together. They're all EDs. We can die of them.

Another difference between us, and I think the most important one, is that you're working hard to lose weight and get to a healthy body. I don't want recovery. My disorder is still in a place where I don't want to get well. The thought of gaining weight terrifies me, which is one of the primary symptoms of AN. It's not just a matter of not wanting to gain. It's a matter of terror. When I gain a pound, or go over 1000 - 1100 calories a day (my maintenance number), I get scared, and practically hate myself. I lived on less than 800 calories--often 500--a day for months. Currently, I struggle mightily to remain at 900. I'm just so very hungry all the time, that it gets exhausting fighting the desire to eat. My doctor says that my body is desperate for food and it's simply biological. I say it's that my will and ability to control myself is weakening.

As you probably know, control is the issue in an anorexic's life. Subconsciously, or consciously, we feel that our lives are out of our control, that we have no say in the way our lives are lived. The only thing we can control is our bodies, and our desire to eat. That's how we manage the desperation of feeling that we're not allowed to make decisions for ourselves.

I went on a weight reduction diet since I was overweight, and it progressed from there. I'd had an anorexic episode in the past, so I should have dieted under a doctor's care. But I didn't want to do that. I thought I'd stop at 120. Instead, I got down to 92, which gave me a BMI of 15.8. My doctor has had me coming in monthly for a weigh-in to check on me. I hate it. Now I'm up to 98, and he still wants me to gain and get up to at least 108. That's just not going to happen if I have any say in the matter. In fact, I want very much to get back to 92 again, and I can do it if I'm committed to it.

You can see that it's not just a matter of not wanting to be overweight again. Apparently, I look bad, weak, and sick. My hair has gotten thin; my nails break off; my skin is dried out and flakes off; my potassium levels are abnormal (an important electrolyte for heart function), I'm anemic, etc. But I don't care. Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels is the mantra of an anorexic. I feel sick sometimes, though, and it doesn't feel good.

So that's my story. I hope this doesn't turn anyone away. I hope so much that no one out there thinks they'd like it if they were this thin. One of my friends felt that way. She wanted to "catch" anorexia, lose 30 lbs., then "give up" the disease once she was normal weight. It doesn't work that way. It's a mental illness and you can't decide to have it. If you're a normal person, you don't want it.

Some day, I might want recovery. I might get healthy enough that I'll want to do that.

Let me know what you think. Do you understand me? Or have I turned you off forever?

Questions

Sunshine's Heart (see link to the right) posted these questions on her blog this morning. It's a good, interesting blog. She's smart and wise. I thought I'd join the group.


1. Are you a heavy or a light sleeper?

I go to sleep immediately because I stay up too late and crash. The sleep itself only lasts about four hours, then I toss and turn. I guess it's just from getting older, but it's driving me crazy.

2. If you could be a professor for a day, what subject would you lecture on?

I think Ethics, as part of the philosophy department. I took it in college and liked it a lot--made me think about how to be in the world. I'd like to do that for others, particularly young people who aren't set in their ways yet.

3. What skill have you always wanted that you do not have?

How do I narrow this down? I'd like to write better, play the guitar, draw beautifully, play the piano, sew like a pro, be a master baker . . . the list could go on forever.

4. Have you ever been in a real catfight?

Yes, in high school, during a basketball game. I went up for a jump shot, and a scrawny girl on my own team yelled that I wouldn't make it because I was "a fatso." I missed the shot, then whirled around and slapped her HARD across the face. She had welts for several days. I didn't even get into trouble with our coach or principal, because they couldn't stand her either. I still look upon it with fondness today. Oh, and she got really fat in middle age. Karma.

5. Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.

Behind in everything at work; thus I've been a nervous wreck trying to catch up. Real life has been a bitch. Blogland? I've been reading great stuff, and learn a lot from it. My writing seems to be a bit boring, and hardly anyone reads it. Even fewer ever comment on it. Still, I muddle along, talking to the wind.

Help from others with obesity and eating disorders

I'm sure you've all heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's helped tens of thousands of people to get to sobriety in just the past decade; that is, it works, if you do. There is also a spin-off called Overeaters Anonymous (http://www.oa.org/). Despite the name, and that most of the members have trouble with obesity, it's also there for bulimic people and anorexics, etc.--all eating disordered people.

One of the things that turns people with problems off about these programs is the notion of turning their troubles over to a Higher Power. But the actual wording in OA says that the HP is whatever you have defined or experienced it to be. That could be the goddess, one's higher self, science, the Christian god or Jesus, or anything/anyone you believe is bigger than you are. Remember the famous motto of the Anonymous programs: "Take what you need and leave the rest." That applies to your HP, as well.

That's fine, you say, for people who live in a big city, where there are several groups and meetings around town that would fit in with your work hours, or when you'll be able to have the car and someone to watch your children, for instance. What about the rest of us? That can be worked with, too. There are group meetings on the phone with others, as well as internet groups which "meet" around the clock every day.

At any meeting, you don't have to talk. You might want to watch the first few times just to see how meetings are conducted and run. Everyone will be using only their first names or first names with last name initial, nickname, or any other name you want to be used. Your privacy is repected, and the meetings are confidential. At the OA website, you'll find all the information you need to understand the organization, its purpose, what meetings include, and so forth.

Don't be turned off by money, either. Everything is entirely free, depending on donations completely. If your money troubles make even a small donation impossible, you're still welcome with open arms. Giving is anonymous, too.

OA can help you to get to the root of your problems and how to understand what's going on in order for you to get to normal eating. It would be especially good for those who believe their weight and food problems have an environmental, emotional, or early childhood trigger, as well as those with post-traumatic stress disorder which arose at any time in your life and the weight gain followed. No, they're not formally trained psych people, but they've been or are currently where you are.

There's no harm in checking out the website or considering it. Sometimes, help in a group of fellow sufferers works far better than suffering alone. We're not alone in this world. There are people in precisely the same place we are, whether it's regaining weight after a large loss; inability to maintain at a lower weight; getting started on losing weight; giving up, and so much more.

Just give it a shot and look at the website for more information.

Hunger is the dieter's guest at the feast.

Read "Fat Like Me" today (see link at right), and learn about "Food Fuckery." I promise you'll recognize yourself in her blog entry. She did get me thinking about hunger, though, something I do obsess about a lot. What is hunger, anyway?

There's the normal, natural, biological feeling of hunger that we get when we need more fuel to survive, and more building blocks of good nutrition to survive well. Ideally, it's in perfect balance with what we need, and we'll eat from enough sources that we'll take in all of the macronutrients, as well as the trace elements, that we need to be healthy. We'll also be thirsty, a form of hunger, in balance with our expiration and use of fluids, and not mistake thirst for hunger, or hunger for needing sleep, nor any other crossed-wire impulses. Then, "we'll eat when we're hungry, drink when we're dry, if the sky don't fall in, we'll live 'til we die." At least, that's the way it's supposed to work.

The little brain bell rings, we yawn, then interpret that as needing a sandwich. We're thirsty, so we have a Coke or beer instead of a glass of water. At least the latter is thirst, although it's being quenched by 240 calories instead of zero. Everyone repeat after me--you need a minimum of 8 8-oz. glasses of water a day. The bigger you are, the more you need. Do most of us drink that much?

In addition to biological hunger, there's mind hunger. It's 5 p.m., dinner time, and I should be hungry now. I guess I'll eat. Never mind that there's no biological hunger. Surely at some point this evening it'll come, so I'll eat now and avoid the hunger later. Let's have a big, regular supper, too--Standard American Diet--meat, starch, vegetables. Bread and butter, drink. Salad on the side; soup if we're very formal. Whew! It's Thanksgiving with all of that food. So instead of waiting until you're hungry, which might not be until tomorrow morning, you've eaten 2,000+ calories worth of dinner you didn't even want. What's wrong with this picture? And who says a dinner has to be all of those courses? Holy cow, we're not field hands. The biggest energy output we had all day was walking across the parking lot to get to the office and back again to our cars.

Mind hunger is also that which is triggered by ads  on TV, photo shoots in magazines, and other food porn. It's 8 p.m. Supper was three or four hours ago. Bedtime is three or four hours away. The ad comes on: Carl's Jr. Hoo-boy, that burger with cheese and bacon and BBQ sauce looks scrumptious. You can practically smell it through the TV. You can just jump in the car--coat over your pj's--go through the drive through, get that, a super-large Pepsi and fries, and be back home in half an hour. That's over 1,000 calories. Easy as pie. Pity they don't have pie, by the way. With ice cream.

Mouth hunger. Sometimes, I just want to chew on something crunchy. Just hear the crunch and feel it between my teeth. Do you have any chips? Hell, Safeway is open 24 hours. I can get a big bag--how about two, one regular and one jalapeno kettle chips and some Coke. Might as well get a deli panini, too. That's a full meal. Crunchy sandwich, crunchy chips, sweet drink--ah, now you're living!

If you don't do crunchy, why not creamy chocolate or ice cream melting on your tongue? The grocery store has ice cream, whipped cream, hot fudge sauce, and some maraschino cherries for the top. Caramel or butterscotch topping, too, with marshmallow creme. Oh, my.

Didn't want any of this physically, certainly didn't need any of it, but got it, ate it, and gained a pound, maybe two, over the week unless it's made up for by restricting several days. That is, unless there's more mouth or mind hunger, or misinterpreted hunger, another day or two of the week. There just comes a point when it can't be compensated for, and we get fat.

We have to always be on the lookout for these devilish little hungers. They'll break a diet, or get us off maintenance, in ten minutes flat. Try to listen carefully to your body and mind when you think you're hungry. Determine what sort of hunger it is. Craving a pizza is probably not hungry. I've craved pizzas right after supper. Cravings are probably never real hunger at all. They're mouth or mind hunger. Real hunger can be assuaged by turkey breast with mustard on rye. You don't need chocolate, a Western bacon cheeseburger, or banana split to do it.

Just some random thoughts today on the subject. What do you think? Am I on target here, or do you think I'm totally off?

Weight and the environment

Kelly Brownell, editor of Eating Disorders and Obesity, wrote a paper about how much weight relates to our increasingly toxic food environment. She showed the amounts of money that are spent on marketing what she calls toxic foods, which are energy-dense (super high calorie) ones. She says that for any one individual who's obese, there will be factors such as genetic susceptibility. However, when a nation is obese, and becoming increasingly so, the answer leads us to environment--that no matter how strong genetic susceptibility is, there is no obesity without a "bad environment."

This is an intriguing theory, and one which I think has real merit. She likens this to cigarette smoking. Not every smoker gets lung cancer, and it's believed that those who do have a genetic prediliction for it. However, without the  environment of smoking, no individual will get it. That makes sense to me.

She writes, "It is difficult to imagine an environment that places people at greater risk for obesity than that seen in the United States . . . . Food in this environment is available, inexpensive, and promoted in unprecedented ways." She goes on to say that McDonald's marketing budget is $1.1 billion, and Coca-Cola's $866 million, a year, and these are only two companies. The budget of the National Cancer Institute to promote healthy eating is only $1 million. She also gets into the portion size problem, which we all know has greatly increased over the last 20 years, just as obesity rates have climbed.

Addressing physical activity levels, she suggests that we live in a bad environment there, as well. I know that we don't have as much activity as we did decades ago. With elevators, cars, computers, and so forth, we take the easy way out and don't exercise. But I think her argument here isn't as strong. Jogging, weight and strength training, walking, and so on, have been "trendy" since the late '70's/early '80's. I'm wondering if one isn't already obese, which makes exercise more difficult and unappealing, is the reason (or one of the reasons) why activity is down.

Still, the fact is that we're in sedentary jobs, even housework and gardening are easier with modern methods, cable TV (and once again, computers), and other things increase obesity, or at least, overweight. Even fast food lacks any activity involvement. There's no chopping, standing, walking to get things, etc., and you don't even have to get out of your car to grab the food--they have drive-throughs. How much worse can it get?

If you're of a certain age, you'll remember that from kindergarten on, we were required to take physical education in school. Now, only one of the 50 states mandates phys. ed. for students. That's a surprising statistic.

It seems to me that someone with a genetic tendency to obesity--which I believe is nearly all of us--plus a disturbed eating pattern, is doomed to it unless they learn that the battle will be life-long, and messages from corporations are for profit only, not to give you tasty foods for pleasure. We might know that it in our heads, but getting it through to our guts is another story.

Later, 'gators.

Clothing for a new body.

Because many people have been talking about it, and I've been thinking about it, I guess tonight I'll blog about choosing clothes for a new body--a new you. I have a very definite style, or should I say styles. Sometimes it's Bohemian, a gypsy-ish look, with lots of ethnic fabrics, long skirts, vests, jackets, all in a riot of colors. Other times it's Zen-like in its straight lines, black/silver/ivory/slate blue, etc., with Asian touches everywhere. Quite sleek and elegant. Yes, I like my styles, and am noted for them. You either like them or hate them. Many like them. Others have suggested I dress more normally, especially for work. So I thought I'd buy some preppy, yuppy-ish clothes for my new body.

I hadn't been clothes shopping in years, and had no clue what size I wore in fitted, tailored, clothes. I saw the perfect skirt at Land's End (pure preppy, like L.L. Bean) and ordered two in a 12--tan and navy (navy was my signature color when I was a business suit girl). When they arrived, and I tried to try them on, they slipped to the floor like a hula hoop. I returned them in exchange for 10's. My husband said, "Skip the 10's and 8's; go straight for the 6's and 4's." He's a pretty good judge of size. I wouldn't listen. To make a long story short, the 2's fit the best, but I have a big waist and they felt a little tight. I kept the 4's.

That long story was to show how one can have a measuring tape and mirrors, and still have no clue at all what size to wear, what one's body looks like, or what style to dress in. I also had to get used to clothes that fit. I kept up with the preppy look, but have recently returned to the ethnic thing. When I'm this thin, I'm always freezing, so the patterned, thigh-length Indian jackets come in handy.

Why are we so body dysmorphic? We see abnormality where none exists. We see fat when thin is reality. We feel fat when we've nothing to feel fat about. I know that we anorexics are famous for that. I'm not sure if formerly or even currently obese people are as poor judges as we are when it comes to their bodies. I suspect so. Certainly I know my obese friends believe they're far less attractive and sexy than they are. At my height, I'd have to weigh 175 to enter obesity based on the BMI. I feel like I weigh that now--honest. I have no idea at all that I weigh less than that. I will even check the scale by weighing my husband or a big sack of rice to make sure it isn't broken, that's how inaccurate I feel it must be. Do obese people do that? I've never asked. If you can leave a comment and tell me the answer plus anything else about the subject, I'd love that. I need knowledge, and other big people might need to know they're not alone.

One thing I do know is when I'm sure that the scale is working, the number on it defines my day. If I'm two pounds over the day before, I have a horrible day. If I'm a pound under, I fly in freedom. Food and the numbers are my life, and all I think about. Food, especially so. Whether it's cooking it, choosing it, buying it, eating it, not eating it, what it looks like--name it--it's ever-present in my head. This certainly isn't healthy. But from what I read, it defines the obese's day, too. Food, food, food. Eating, not eating, hungry, not hungry. As I've said before, we think about what we'll eat for supper before we've eaten breakfast. That, my friends, is an eating disorder.

Bingeing. A friend here had a binge. It was a small one, but her feeling of loss of control was frightening, guilt- and shame-producing, and depressing for her. I would have felt the same way, or I should say do feel the same way, because I've done it. Not big-time, however, just as hers wasn't. It's not eating so much or the calories ingested, it's the powerlessness and uncontrollable behavior that's horrible.

That's a special ED, binge eating disorder, and overweight or obese people often have it, frequently accompanied by compulsive overeating. I'm sure that if I had one cigarette tonight, or even a couple of puffs, I'd smoke a pack tomorrow. Same with food for the food-addicted, but with cookies, cheesecake, pizza with everything, chips or buffalo wings, etc. I've never heard of anyone who craved steamed cauliflower with no butter or cheese on it, or had a leafy green vegetable binge. A salad might be part of a flat-out siege, but never the whole thing.

What do we do with this craziness? The clothing? Dressing the bodies we have, instead of the ones we think we have? The food obsession/preoccupation?

I'll check this out in various places, including others' blogs about their personal experiences, and get back to these subjects soon.

Here's hoping that tomorrow you connect with nature in some way. I believe that nature, in her beauty, is healing. If you can't get out, throw open some windows and breathe deeply. Her sun, breezes, colors, moonlight, fragrance, rain, snow, forests, and everything else she offers are always there for you.